Devin Nunes Retiring from Congress to Spend More Time With Trump’s Balls

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressfuck Devin Nunes announced yesterday that he will not seek re-election next year.

Many speculated that Nunes was motivated by California’s independent congressional redistricting commission’s new map that should make his own district lean Democratic. However, this morning on OANN, Nunes told host Jack “Rape Melania” Posobiec that his decision to leave Congress wat not motivated in any way by the fact that he would likely get trounced. Instead, Nunes was pushed out of Congress by his desire to “spend more time with the one [he] love[s] the most.”

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“Jack, this was a really easy decision for me to make. My options were to run for Congress, probably lose, and then end up here, on your network, sucking up to Don Trump every night, or I could just cut out the middle man and suck Trump off every day of my life until he dies, which is in no way a depressing thought that makes me fantasize about putting a gun in my mouth every single night,” Nunes told Posobiec, apparently holding back tears.

Reports are that Nunes will head up Truth Social, a social media company started by the Trump organization. Though others have suggested he might also take a job working for Not For Murderers, a social media firm started by OJ Simpson, Nunes confirmed for Posobiec he will indeed work for Trump’s company. Nunes called it the “perfect marriage between Don Trump’s mangled dong and my mouth.”

“Maybe not even his dong, if I’m being honest, Jack. Maybe it’s a solid marriage between his balls and my tongue. Or his taint and my lips. But the bottom line is that I will be spending a lot more time leashed to the guy who thought we could inject bleach and stares at eclipses. So I’m definitely not feeling an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety, and I absolutely am not thinking about walking into the middle of traffic instead,” Nunes said, fake laughing, but still fighting real tears.

Former one term, twice permanently impeached President and D-list Reality-TV game show host Don Trump released a statement praising Nunes for joining his team, but also casting some doubt as to how much time Nunes will spend with Trump’s balls.

“The simple fact is that my darling First Lady always has first dibs on the First Nuts. But if Ivanka’s not going to be playing with them at that moment, sure, Dev can fluff them in her stead,” Trump wrote.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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