WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, President Donald Trump surprised the world and declared the existence of a new, previously unmapped country known as “Thighland.”
“Very honestly, when he said our name,” Thighland’s president told reporters this morning, “we were elated! It can be pretty lonely being a country that no one even knows exists. So when the most powerful man in the free world name drops you in the middle of a campaign speech? That’s tremendously good for our profile and recognition.”
Trump mispronounces Thailand as "Thighland" pic.twitter.com/PgTRnHpAA8
— The Recount (@therecount) August 6, 2020
Not much is known about Thighland. In order to help educate and acquaint the public about their country, the Thighland board of tourism and commerce commission published a primer on their nation and transmitted it to several news outlets. Below are some of the highlights, as presented by the people of Thighland themselves.
This morning, while he was taking a few laps around the White House grounds, Trump agreed to answer a few questions from reporters. One asked the president why he’d never mentioned Thighland before yesterday. Trump laughed and responded.
“I don’t really know, to tell the truth, because my First Lady and I have loved Thighland for a long, long time,” the president announced. “In fact, Ivanka and I fell in love with Thighland on our honeymoon! That’s how long we’ve loved it!”
The press pool grew suddenly very quiet. Finally, a reporter got up the nerve to confirm what she thought she had heard. The president went on a honeymoon with his daughter, First Lady Ivanka Trump?
“Yes, of course I went on a honeymoon with her,” Trump shouted, “I mean, I paid for it. Well, technically the Russian oligarchs who funded our project in Moscow paid for it, but they wouldn’t have done that unless they knew me, so it’s like I told Vanky Baby, it was pretty much paying for it, and therefore I was entitled to come…with her…on the honeymoon.”
Later in the morning, First Lady Ivanka confirmed that she and her father “had a very lovely time” in Thighland, and that she has “very fond memories” of her honeymoon there.
“President Daddy was very kind and generous the whole time,” Ivanka announced. “He even stopped calling Jared ‘Not Me’ for a little bit, and by the end of the trip we got used to him sleeping on the pull-out couch in our suite’s bedroom, and were able to have plenty of fun, sexy, intimate times with each other. Once we got Jared to go get us ice, of course.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.