Well That’s It. The Republicans Have Convinced Me. I am NOT Voting for Hunter Biden!

Editor’s Note:

The following is an editorial written by the Editor In Chief and Head Fuckwit of The Political Garbage Chute, James “Jambo” Schlarmann. The views and opinions expressed therein absolutely, positively reflect those of this publication, and its ownership, because well, he owns it, and he happens to be writing this editor’s note, as well. It should be noted that James is incredibly good looking, has impeccable taste, and never makes any mistakes, everr.

Well…that’s it. They did it. They just simply wore me down. Over time, their repeated messaging just started working on me, I guess. I was teetering on the edge for a couple days, but I am ready to make a pretty important decision at this time, and I’m pretty confident I won’t live to regret it.

SATIRE: Romney Had Spine Removed So He Could Suck Trump’s Dick

The Republicans have convinced me. I am NOT voting for Hunter Biden. Sorry Democrats.

Apparently, Hunter Biden is the kinda guy who will trade on his father’s good name and use that for his own personal benefit. Making it worse, it sounds like Hunter maybe did some of his self-name-checking while his dad was in office! Now, I can’t imagine anything worse than the child of a well-connected person using their connections for their own personal benefit, can you?

God, the more I think about it, the more disgusted I get! How can we vote for somebody so spoiled? Is there anything in the world worse than someone using their parents’ money and power to get ahead and make up for perhaps some shortcomings in the skills department?

In fact, the only way this whole Hunter Biden thing could be worse is if there was also some weird, sordid, disgusting pseudo incestuous angle to this whole thing. Can you imagine? God, what if we were forced to live with a president who has some weird sexual thing with a direct relative like a parent or their child?!

I tried, Democrats, I really tried, to overlook everything the GOP is saying about Hunter Biden. But I have to say, it’s just not good optics. It’s hard to believe that the Democratic establishment thought it would be a good idea to nominate Hunter Biden, if it was so easily proven that he’s been willing to use his family name to enrich himself and get ahead.

And you have to admit, it just feels a little less than on the up-and-up to do such a thing…to have absolutely nothing worthwhile to offer other than your last name and to pretend like that is an actual accomplishment. That’s not illegal, of course, but is it really something we want in a president? Someone who will just use every advantage they have with their close ties to someone in power to make themselves even richer?

Man…I don’t know. I’d feel pretty shitty about myself if I was someone who got a shit load of money for basically just being related to someone with a lot of power.

The gall of some people! To be so brazenly nepotistic!

I apologize, but this has really struck a nerve in me, clearly. The more I think about it, the more enraged I become! Imagine, just so callously using your connections within the U.S. government, to the damn presidential administration, to make yourself money!

Surely I can’t be expected to vote for someone who would profit off the taxpayers like that. Surely I can’t be expected to just turn a blind eye to such behavior. That’s why after much careful consideration, I simply cannot vote for Hunter Biden.

…but I’d still gargle battery acid and crawl over a million Lego pieces dumped out on a Slip-n-Slide covered in cat vomit to vote for Joe Biden. Because I’m not in a fucking death cult, you weirdos.

UPDATE: Mitch McConnell Still a Certifiably Racist, Wet-Eyed, Wattle-Necked Cuntsicle

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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