WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Senate Judiciary Committee held a hearing today to discuss the findings of FBI Inspector General Michael Horowitz’ expansive report on his team’s investigation into the origins of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe of the 2016 presidential election.
Mueller had been tasked with determining if the Donald J. Trump for President Campaign acted in concert with the Russian operatives that 17 different intelligence agencies have concluded ran a campaign of disinformation during the election, hoping the result would be Trump defeating former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. Trump’s defenders have long insinuated that he was the victim of unfair and dubious, perhaps even nefarious misdeeds perpetrated by the FISA court and individual FBI agents due to strong political bias against Trump. Horowitz’ report categorically states there was no “deep state” conspiracy and that the investigation into Carter Page and the Trump campaign was done without any political bias motivating it.
Senator Lindsey Graham, the committee’s chairman, opened the hearing with a long-winded speech roughly forty minutes in length. Throughout the hearing, Graham and his fellow Republicans blasted FBI brass and called into question whether the entire institution was corrupt, or simply just a few rogue operatives. However, it was during one moment in the hearing, when cameras inexplicably stopped rolling and the audio feed was also disconnected, that had some in the gallery scratching their heads.
At one point, a visibly shaken Graham, near hysterics, launched into yet another full-throated defense of President Trump. During this particular tirade, Senator Graham declared his “unflinching and undying loyalty” to Trump, and vowed to “strongly defend” him, just as he said his Republican colleagues in on the House Intelligence and Judiciary Committees did during recent impeachment hearings. Wiping tears from the corners of his eyes first, Graham put his index fingers out, holding them a few inches apart, cleared his throat, and spoke.
“I just want to also take a couple minutes on a personal note, and I hope everyone here in the room and at home will indulge me,” Graham said, holding his fingers out as he spoke. “A lot of people have come up to me, asking just how far I’m willing to go, what length I’m willing to go to in order to protect our dear president, the poor picked upon soul he is.”
Emotion was breaking through in Graham’s voice. He paused a moment. Pouring himself some water, he took an enormous gulp, looking like a five year old at a drinking fountain, some of the water running down his chin and onto his suit. When he was ready, he continued, putting his fingers back out, and holding them apart from each other.
“See this? This is the length I’m willing to personally go to defend Donald Trump,” Graham explained. “In my experience over the years, much more than this and it’ll trigger my gag reflex. I’ve worked hard over time, to try and limit or minimize that damn thing, but the truth of it is that I still have some way to go on that front. But the bottom line here is that for this man, I’m willing to go to pretty incredible lengths to defend him. I’ll defend the living hell out of him. I’ll defend him so often and so well, Devin Nunes will get jealous and try to kick me out of there.”
Still quite emotional, Graham pulled a collapsible hand fan out of his breast pocket and began to fan himself with it, like the proverbial Southern Belle of lore. He claimed that the events of the last couple of years, since Trump took office, have given him a “steady and unrelenting case of the vapors.”
“Things have been hard, fam, really hard, on me,” Graham said, “and I’m not one to usually complain about hard things. Typically, the harder the better as far as I’m concerned. But everything I once knew about myself has changed, quite radically ever since Trump became president, and John died. Before, John kept me at least somewhat even-keeled and normal. Something changed, though, when he died, and all of a sudden, the taste of tangerine, mushroom, and treason didn’t offend me so much, and I find myself willing to go to pretty long lengths to defend Trump, in that special way Devin and I know how to do, because Donald had his first lady show us how he likes it.”
Graham took another sip of water.
“And Ivanka is one hell of a teacher, y’all. One hell of a fine teacher,” Graham said. “Not my type, of course, but if she got a haircut and gained about 90 pounds, she’d look enough like her dad to where I’d defend her, too, if she had the right equipment with which I could do all my, you know, defending.”
As he calmed back down and said he wanted to get the proceedings “back on track,” Graham concluded his remarks.
“Now, I’m of course grateful that I’ll never have to go to that length, but I wanted it on the record exactly the length I was WILLING to go to in order to defend that sweaty, beautiful man’s honor,” Graham said emotionally, barely holding back more tears. “God bless that orange buffoon. May he reign evermore. Amen.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.