Shockingly, Former Crack Head Might Not Have Been Right About Trump’s Reinstatement

The big day came. The big day went. Despite months of promises and assurances to the contrary, however, when the sun set on August 13th, 2021, Joe Biden was still Donald J. Trump’s president.

Does this mean that Mike Lindell, former crack head and current MyPillow CEO, possibly could have been wrong? We tracked him down as he was selling his pillows to his customer base directly, out of the trunk of his car at a MAGA/Klan rally. In Lindell’s mind, he wasn’t wrong, he was just “alternatively correct.” An excerpt of our interview with Mr. Lindell follows.

Lindell: Trump Will Give Reinstatement Speech Written by a Team of Minotaurs

THE POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE: Mr. Lindell, thank you for doing this.

MIKE LINDELL: No problem, but please, refer to me by new, official title — Alternative Vice President. 

TPP: Oh. So, you’re still…you’re still doing the reinstatement thing, then?

ML: Of course! Would you stop telling everyone the sky is green, just because some left-wing ANTIFA media types tell you different? Would you stop honoring the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre because some Marxist says it didn’t really happen?!

TPP: Right. Totally. So do you have a new date in mind, you know, for when King God Emperor Donald John Trump will be restored to his throne?

ML: I do! Of course I do! But I’m not revealing the dates of restoration anymore. Because it seems like every time I do, it doesn’t happen. It’s like, people find out the date, and then they do everything they can to make us adhere to the Constitution instead of our feelings about how sad we are that Don Trump lost.

TPP: Don’t you think it might be easier for everyone to just admit that you were wrong, and that Trump can never and won’t ever be put back in the Oval Office, at least not without winning another presidential election?

ML: (Stares blankly for 30 seconds)

TPP: Okay, so we can’t know when he’ll be returned to power fully, but as of right now, you’re the “Alternative” Vice President. What kinds of powers do you get with that office?

ML: Oh, the perks of being Don Trump’s vice president are bigly! I get to stand behind him for four years with a smirk on my face that says, “Is he thinking about how the president’s taint smells right now?” I get to defend every dumb thing that comes out his mouth like it’s genius level stuff. Then, after four years of sycophantic devotion, I get have a mob of angry Trump supporters build a gallows and try to hang me! Talk about being blessed!

TPP: Are there any contingency plans, in case the Constitution keeps taking precedence over MAGA feelings? 

ML: Even if we did, I wouldn’t tell you. Let’s just say that I plan to talk to my friend Marjorie Taylor Greene, and we’ll bring in our mutual friend and crack dealer, and between the three of us, we’ll figure out a way to get our rightful leader restored to power!

Greene: Car Seat Laws are ‘Tyranny’ and Parents Should ‘Resist’ Them

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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