Tomorrow is it. The Big Day. An historic and truly unprecedented moment in history. A defeated U.S. President will be restored to his golden throne, and the man most responsible for making it happen, MyPillow and MyCrackPipe CEO Mike Lindell, just made an announcement on OAN that is sure to bring even more attention to the return of King God Emperor Donald John Trump.
“Jack, I gotta tell you. I am so fired up for tomorrow! Watching our goodly king, astride Nessie, galloping up Pennsylvania Avenue, to the White House, to retake the Oath of Royalty,” Lindell said, smoking crack the entire time, “is going to be a moment no American will want to miss. But I gotta tell you, the speech King Donald will attempt to read is something for the ages, too.”
Not only is the speech a “real barn and cross burner,” Lindell also says that it’s just as notable for who authored it.
“I thought Nessie stepping up to give King Donald a ride was amazing. I thought the fact that Sasquatch will administer the oath loyalty was even biglier amazing,” Lindell said, “but when I found out that our imperious leader somehow convinced a team of minotaurs to write it? Well, Jack, I got a tear in my eye and a boner in my pants. Look, see?”
Lindell showed OAN host Jack “Rape Melania” Posobiec the tear that formed in his eye, and then dropped his pants and revealed his erection as well.
“Crack and dismantling the republic are two of my biggest turn-ons, Jack, you know that,” Lindell said. “I wish every American got as big a boner for right-wing religious authoritarianism as I do, but once King Donald signs a couple of important decrees, we’ll be able to execute any of his subjects who don’t, so it’ll work itself out in the end.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.