Nobody asked for it. In fact, nobody insofar as we can tell was even talking about the subject. But last night, Laura Ingraham — known in MAGA circles as “Frau Lolo Von Ingrahitler” — revealed to her Fox News audience what gets her “in the mood.”
“I’m a simple fascist. I’m also very old school. Extremely old school,” Ingraham said. “Nothing gets me hotter more quickly than thinking about what it would be like to live when we melanin-free Americans weren’t the victims of the tyranny of progressivism. Back before I could vote. Before the non-whites had so much power and influence. Man, I’m getting wet just thinking about plantation life right now.”
Ingraham closed her eyes for a moment, and took a long, deep breath.
“When I start thinking about America in the 19th century, I won’t lie, I get really horny,” Ingraham continued. “Of course, since most sentient life forms alive today are completely repulsed by someone like me, I am left to take care of my needs, all by myself. And so I like to slip on a movie that really, really gets my juices flowing.”
Ingraham revealed, however, that “as a good, clean, Christian woman,” she doesn’t watch traditional porn to get her in the mood. Perhaps surprisingly, Ingraham divulged that she puts in her BluRay copy of “Django Unchained,” when she’s in the mood to “flick the bean.”
“I have two problems with that movie. One, it was directed by Quentin Tarantino, who never said a single nice thing about our Forever President Donald John Trump,” Ingraham admitted. “And secondly, its ending. I hate the ending. I can’t do anything about the first part, but I found a really easy way to fix the second one. I just watch the movie in reverse.”
Watching the movie backwards, Ingraham said, “guarantees the happiest ending possible.”
“And that means a happy ending for the movie, and for Mama Nazi, if you know what I mean,” Ingraham said, before quickly realizing how stupid her audience is. “I’m saying it helps me cum.”
In response, Tarantino tweeted that he was “very seriously considering” deleting Django Unchained from his filmography and demanding that every digital and hard copy of the film be returned to him for immediate burning.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.