TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) has issued an ultimatum to every high school student in his state — make out with someone who has COVID, or else.
“With this order, the people of Florida can rest assured that I’m doing everything in my power,” DeSantis began as he started signing the documents in front of him, “to increase the profit margin for the fine folks behind Regeneron, who just so happened to dump $10 million bucks into my campaign account. To that end, it’s now a graduation requirement for all Floridian high schoolers to participate in at least one make-out session with an unvaccinated student.”
According to the order, unvaccinated students are to report to their school’s gymnasium before the first period bell rings. Once checked-in, they’ll be assigned a make-out partner, and both students will be sent to the janitor’s closet for a game of “Seven Minutes in Heaven.” While he prefers that unvaccinated students only be paired off with other unvaccinated students, DeSantis says vaccinated students should help “fill out the ranks” and make out with their unvaccinated classmates.
“Because breakthrough cases can occur, and some of those cases might result in the infected person needing a course of Regeneron,” DeSantis explained, “I want unvaccinated kids to be involved in this initiative too. Let’s spread COVID and help the fine folks who make Regeneron make enough in profits that they can contribute maybe $30 million to my campaign fund next time, eh, Florida?”
DeSantis’ order was cheered by Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) who hailed it as a “truly gifted stroke of horny genius.”
“Take it from me, high schoolers have what it takes to carry this order out. In my experience, high schoolers are probably the best at making out,” Gaetz explained on OAN this morning. “So I think Ron’s making the absolute right call. Anything that involves kissing high schoolers on the mouth is going to be the right decision in my book.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.