In Kenosha, Wisconsin and Portland, Oregon last week, Americans watched in horror as two separate incidents of extreme, politically-motivated violence took place. In Wisconsin, a 17-year old white nationalist vigilante killed two and seriously wounded another with his AR-15 semi-automatic long rifle during civil unrest that was protesting a police shooting that resulted in seven bullets shot into an unarmed black suspect’s back. In Portland this weekend, police are investigating whether a member of a far-right, pro-Trump group was murdered by a man who claims to be “100% Antifa.”
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For a country that was founded in bloody, violent revolt, perhaps a little aggressive conflict could be expected. In fact, for a country that has seen a handful of presidential assassination attempts, violence on the floor of Congress, and several rights demanding civil rights for minority groups, it’s hard to imagine anyone being all that surprised by the events unfolding in Oregon and Wisconsin last week, but that doesn’t mean Americans will, or should, get to used to it.
It seems to the editorial board of this venerable institution of journalistic mockery that Americans have reached a nexus of events, and that nexus has led them to a fork in a road. That fork is now presenting the country with the option to change its direction. But the question must be asked, even if former Vice President Joe Biden wins in the fall.
Can America Ever Return to a Simpler Time With Less White Nationalist Violence and More Demon Semen?
Believe it or not, things in America weren’t always this intense. Some readers might be too young to recall this simpler time of American halcyon days, but it’s true. History shows us that in the past there was a lot more demon semen and a whole lot less white nationalist inspired and conspired murder in the streets. The task is now laid out before all of us — can we get back to that time, and restore some civility while also re-embracing our shared love of devil cum?
As most of us learn in elementary school, demon semen has always played a vital role in keeping our citizenry safe and healthy. Only the truly finest and most trustworthy doctors in the world know of the power of demonic spunk, and this country is fortunate because most of the doctors who do understand its healing properties live right here within our borders. One might recall that Abraham Lincoln got his nickname “Honest Abe” from the time his father asked young Abraham if he knew what had happened to his vial of demon semen.
“I cannot tell a lie, Father,” Abe told his dad, “I drank the demon semen and now I am an all-powerful God. Nothing can stop me. Well, the Devil told me theater could kill me, but I happen to consider myself cultured, so I’ll just ignore that my whole, long, immortal life, thank you very much.”
So if we know that demon semen is an unmistakable and irreplaceable part of the American fabric, then we know we can get back to a time where we embrace that, instead of partisan, political violence. But…will we? Can we, in fact, put aside our differences, put a stop to the violence, and come together over demons cumming together?
The first step in that direction might be for the president’s base to stop bringing firearms to BLM protests. It might also be for them to stop shooting paintballs at BLM protesters. It might also be for them to stop firing pepper spray at BLM protesters. Still one more first step might be for the police departments in this country to stop turning a blind eye every time a group of Trump supporters shows up to a BLM protest with guns, pepper spray, and other weapons looking for a fight.
But what do we know, really? We’re just the editorial board of the world’s most prestigious, important, and famous satirical outlet named after a line in Star Wars. We could be way off base here. Time will certainly tell.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.