Kellyanne Conway: National Emergency at Border ‘Much Bigger and Worser Crisis’ Than Bowling Green Massacre

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of President Trump’s most vocal and loyal aides, Kellyanne Conway, was stopped on her way into the White House this morning and asked about several topics. Speaking to reporters for about ten minutes, Conway talked about the Mueller investigation, the Jussie Smollett case, and addressed the ongoing national emergency at the southern border. The president declared the emergency last week in a Rose Garden ceremony.

“We’re all looking forward to seeing and immediately shredding the Mueller report, because if you don’t see it, it doesn’t exist,” Conway told reporters. “We’re also planning on sticking our fingers in our ears and humming loudly, as well as closing our eyes super tight. That way when they come and knock on our door in the morning, we don’t have to get arrested because it’ll be like the FBI isn’t even there!”

Conway said that Smollett proves “libtards are the crazy ones, not patriotic MAGA boys.”

Ted Cruz Offers To Lube Up And Fuck A Gun To Show How Safe They Are

“I was just talking to Cesar Sayoc, you know, the MAGA bomber? And he said that it’s just nuts how Jussie would try to imply MAGA lovers are violent,” Conway said, “and the Proud Boys backed him up on that!”

On the subject of the ongoing crisis at the southern border, Conway said that the emergency is not only “completely and totally real” it’s also “very much so not fake” as well as “definitely not just made up because the president got real sad that Congress wasn’t his little bitches any more.”

“The bottom line here, guys, is that this crisis is very real,” Conway said. “In fact, it’s a much bigger and worser crisis than even the Bowling Green Massacre! There are for more lives at stake in this emergency, and believe me, I watched the Bowling Green Massacre on our network of microwave TV cameras. I know how devastating that all was.”

Ms. Conway said that the border crisis “might even be more badder than Benghazi.”

“Benghazi was, of course, the worst tragedy in American history. I confirmed that with Chinese, Irish, and Mexican immigrants, as well as with some uppity urbans who still think racism is a thing, and of course with a couple of redskins — excuse me, Native Indians,” Conway declared. “They all agreed this is, like, much more worser, fam.”

Conway indicated that the president is not worried about a scheduled vote on the House floor next week that would officially block his emergency declaration. The “privileged” resolution will be taken up next Tuesday, and is expected to easily pass the House. Whether or not enough Republicans in the Senate vote for it depends on how many of them feel their constituents are behind Trump’s power grab or not.

“If they pass that resolution, we’ll either veto it or Vladimir Putin will,” Conway said. “One way or another someone who’s in charge of the executive branch will veto it. So yeah, whatever, and stuff, you know what I mean?”

Local Moron Doesn’t Understand Difference Between Climate And Weather

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This