Sexual Predator Poised to Give Rapists More Parental Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, one of America’s most famous and successful sexual predators, finds himself in quite a unique position. Should he decide to do so, Kavanaugh can help the other five conservative justices on the high court gut Roe vs. Wade and enable states to write laws that ban abortion, without exceptions for rape or incest, and in doing so give more parental rights to would-be rapists.

This morning, Kavanaugh appeared on the 700 Club with televangelist Pat Robertson. Justice Kavanaugh would not answer any direct questions about how he was going to rule in the upcoming review of Mississippi’s abortion ban before the Supreme Court. However, he did indicate that he knows what some of the repercussions might be, should he help strike down Roe vs. Wade. 

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“Well, Pat, as you know it would be very inappropriate of me to give you any previews of how I’m going to rule, and I don’t do inappropriate things while sober and outside the setting of a college frat party. But needless to say, it does feel quite tremendous to be in a position to help rapists secure the parental rights they so richly deserve,” Kavanaugh said, fighting back tears.

Justice Kavanaugh indicated that he doesn’t think pregnancies resulting from rape are “all that bad” and should not keep lawmakers from banning abortion in their states.

“Isn’t a rape pregnancy, really, just God putting one in you while you weren’t paying attention? Isn’t a rape pregnancy, then, actually just a roundabout way for God to rape and impregnate you? You know, to give you the gift and miracle of an unwanted child, conceived in violent violation of your genitals? Who are you, as a vagina-haver, to even question God’s wisdom, timing, or rapey nature,” Kavanaugh said, this time unable to hold back the tears at all.

As he cracked open a beer, Kavanaugh openly wept.

“I LIKE BEER, OKAY! LET ME JUST SAY THAT RIGHT NOW, PAT! I DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR LIKING BEER. I ALSO LIKE RAPE IF IT MEANS THERE’S A BABY BORN BECAUSE OF IT. SUE ME. OKAY? FUCKING SUE ME, YOU LIBTARDED SACKS OF SHIT! I DON’T OWE YOU A FUCKING THING! I LIKE BEEEERRRR!!!”

Kavanaugh then exploded in a cloud of Nationals tickets and Koch Brother cash. Doctors were able to sweep his particles into a special machine, and he’ll be back in form in plenty of time to rob women of their sexual reproductive freedom by next summer, sources say.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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