Early Data Shows Justice for J6 Rally Drew Crowd With More Teeth Than IQ Points

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Saturday, organizers held the “Justice for J6” rally in the nation’s capitol where just eight months prior an angry, pro-MAGA mob attempted to subvert democracy and install Donald Trump into a second term as president. The rally was held in support of the thousands of Trump acolytes and supporters who stormed the capitol, accosting members of Congress and even calling for the hanging of Trump’s Vice President and taint polisher, Mike Pence.

While it was unclear for weeks how large the crowd would be, and security forces on the Hill prepared for a repeat of the violence that the country witnessed on January 6th, the crowds simply did not appear. Despite former Press Secretary Sean Spicer watching the rally on Newsmax TV and proclaiming it the “largest pro-domestic terrorism crowd ever, period,” the simple truth is that only a few hundred, at best, showed up, and many think the number was well-below two hundred total attendees. Newly analyzed data from the protest seems to indicate that the paltry crowd was noteworthy for one reason.

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“Looking at the raw numbers, it would appear that the crowd who showed up to support the January 6th Y’all Qaeda terrorists had more teeth than IQ points,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the National Institute of Data Collection told us, “which is quite remarkable, considering that on average they have roughly six teeth apiece. So you can imagine, if you extrapolate the data, that you’d see that there were, approximately, a metric fuck ton of idiots at the rally.”

Hornaydieux said it’s difficult for his team to know without getting more time to “crunch the numbers,” but he’s fairly sure that the tooth-to-IQ ratio at the J6 rally was one of the highest ever recorded.

“And we’ve tracked this data at klan and Trump rallies,” Hornaydieux explained, “but there I go being redundant again.”

Dr. Hornaydieux called the numbers “interesting and noteworthy but not quite shocking.”

“MAGA is already full of dumb people; we know that as scientific fact,” Hornaydieux said. “However, it takes an extra special kind of fuckwit to think Trump actually won, and that the violent morons who sacked Capitol Hill are heroes, worthy of of a rally. So I don’t think any of us really thought for a second that the data would look any other way than exactly like this.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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