NEPOTISM LAKE, FLORIDUH — It’s probably the most frequently asked question at every American dinner table this week: Will getting a COVID-19 vaccine shot have an effect on your testicles?
Assuming one has them, the issue of whether or not a vaccine for COVID-19 shrinks or enlarges one’s balls has become the subject of intense scrutiny, thanks to the tireless efforts of Dr. Nicki Minaj. The pop singer/world’s most knowledgeable virologist has brought to light that her cousin’s friend in Trinidad claims their nuts were adversely impacted after they got a COVID-19 vaccination. Trinidad’s health minister has directly addressed and debunked the story, but Americans have long since stopped listening to experts, so the debate rages on in the heartland.
Last year, President Donald Trump was diagnosed with COVID-19, and ultimately had to be hospitalized. Months later, the American people found out through public reporting that his situation was quite dire, and he could have died. It’s perhaps no surprise, then, that Trump got himself vaccinated as soon as they were available, and now we know, thanks to his former First Lady, that his testicles were unscathed in the process.
“President Daddy’s fruit basket was just fine after he got the shot. He asked me to take before and after pictures of them, just to be sure,” Ivanka Trump explained while doing an interview on conservative talk radio this morning. “Obviously, we Trumps believe in freedom of choice, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Daddy’s banger-hangers are just absolutely fine as of only about ten or fifteen minutes ago!”
Ms. Trump described the former, one-term, twice forever impeached president’s genitals as being “just as weird, deformed, and tiny” as they were before he got vaccinated.
“I still needed the same magnifying glass I’ve been using for literal decades to find his balls,” Ivanka said, “and before anyone asks, yes, his dong-wanger was the same exact size and shape as before, too. I know because it still looks like the mushroom guy from Mario games.”
Ivanka hopes that confirming that her dad’s genitals are unchanged since being vaccinated encourages the “unwashed MAGA faithful” to also get vaccinated.
“We like you guys dumb and angry, because that’s how we win,” Ivanka said, “but if too many of you dumbfuck rednecks die before 2024, we’ll lose even worse than the California recall just did. We can’t storm the capitol if you aren’t above ground, guys! So get vaccinated, you beautiful, simple minded, idiotic, deplorable rubes!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.