John Kelly Wins White House Costume Contest for “Racist, Old, White History Revisionist Asshole” Costume

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the Trump administration kicked off its 2017 Halloween festivities. The president and his staff took part in all sorts of fun activities from bobbing for super red apples in a tub of vodka, to carving jack-o-lanterns that say “LOCK HER UP!” to a costume contest that featured all the president’s top men and women, competing for the prize of who gets to cop the most favorable plea deal.

Ben Carson went as something truly scary — a moron running a federal agency with absolutely zero experience in the field the agency is supposed to oversee. First Lady Ivanka Trump went as a Russian Lady of the Night Who Also Likes to Go Pee Pee on Presidents. White House policy adviser Stephen Miller went as Hannibal Lector in a Nazi uniform but was disqualified for not actually dressing up and just trying to enter the contest in his regular garb.

But the big winner in the costume contest was none other than Chief of Staff John Kelly, who had to race over to the Oval Office to participate in the costume contest in time, having just completed an interview with Fox News, discussing, among other things, statues and monuments to confederate soldiers and generals. Kelly intimated that he didn’t think statues should come down, and he made waves and raised eyebrows when he said that it was a “lack of compromise” that brought about the Civil War.

Mr. Kelly also praised Confederate General Robert E. Lee and said that he was an “honorable man” and he simply “chose loyalty to state first.”

“We are pleased to announce that our own Chief of Staff John Kelly won the White House 2017 Halloween Costume Contest for his epic rendition of Racist, Old, White History Revisionist Asshole,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, herself dressed as a wide-eyed barn owl, announced to the press pool.

Huckabee Sanders: ‘Working For Trump Doesn’t Mean You’re Connected to Trump Just Because Trump Is Your Boss’

Kelly’s comments about the Civil War seem to echo pro-confederacy arguments made by people who want to frame the conflict as having started because of “states rights.” However, a cursory look at the history of the United States in the years of antebellum shows that several compromises were made on the issue of slavery. The Constitution itself begins with a compromise that allowed states to count their slaves as three-fifths of an actual human being.

“I means, sure, there was a Three-Fifths compromise, and there was the Missouri Compromise that tried to settle slavery expansion, and yeah, I guess the Fugitive Slave Act was an attempt to compromise on slavery between slaveholder states and free states,” Kelly said to reporters later in the morning, “but other than all those compromises, what compromises were ever reached on slavery?”


In addition to getting to choose the most favorable plea deal of the administration, Kelly also received a gift card to Chick-Fil-A and a $300 shopping spree at Bass Pro Shops. The NRA also gifted Kelly an AR-15 for winning the contest, and the KKK sent him a box of white chocolates. President Trump nearly won the contest for his “Walking, Talking Pile of Human Garbage” costume, until the staff realized he was not actually in a costume.

More satire to enjoy:

Trump Has Sons Barricade Oval Office Door In Case Mueller Pulls Into White House Driveway

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This