Former President Says His Balls are ‘Really Bigly Missing’ Devin Nunes and Ted Cruz These Days

LAKE DUMFUK, FLORIDA — He hasn’t even been out of power for a full month yet, but sources close to the 45th President of the United States say he isn’t handling the transition out of the White House very well. In particular, Barack Obama’s racist troll successor has been telling his friends and family that he had gotten quite used to the daily routine of a cavalcade of sycophants and hangers-on coming to the Oval Office to stroke his ego and place lovingly soft kisses on his genitals and genital region. In the days since leaving office, though, he says those visits have all but dried up, and two of his most favorite acolytes have left him completely.

“I was speaking to the Always My President this weekend,” Fox News host Sean Hannity told his radio audience this morning, “and he told me that he’s feeling pretty abandoned by some of his old friends. In fact, he told me that his balls are really bigly missing Devin Nunes and Ted Cruz. Now, I have to wonder, why have Devin and Ted abandoned Don’s balls?”

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The former president has spent much of his time on the golf course since he left Washington, D.C., according to Hannity.

“He told me that he didn’t want to upset his routine too much,” Hannity explained. “So that’s why he’s mostly just golfing and writing down racist tweets he’d normally have just sent. Once he starts his own social media company though, Big Tech better look out!”

Reached for comment, Sen. Cruz told us that he’s planning on taking a family vacation to Florida over Spring Break, and that he will reach out to the former president’s crotch while he’s there.

“You know, I was just telling my wife, Hedi — you know, the one who’s ugly? — that my mouth and tongue were missing that guy’s butthole and taint,” Cruz said via Skype. “Funny how things just kinda work out that way. I bet the president’s balls were burning when I was talking to my dog ugly-ass wife and mother of my children the other night. Hope his balls are feeling okay, but I’ll make sure they do one way or the other the next time I see him. Please don’t hurt me, MAGAs, I’m on your side!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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