WASHINGTON, D.C. — Since the day that President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963, rumors, speculation, and conspiracy theories about it, and the man who killed him, have never truly quieted down. The Warren Commission’s expansive report on the assassination put to rest some rumors, but because the federal government kept a lot of its information about the killing under tight wraps for decades, the event left a wide berth for postulation. In 1992, then President George H.W. Bush signed an order by Congress to release all the JFK related documents by October 26th, 2017, which current President Donald Trump executed yesterday.
In a truly explosive and unforeseen turn of events, the documents released by Trump have lifted the veils of secrecy on a bevy of topics. It turns out, the FBI records show, that JFK’s assassination was the center of not just one vast conspiracy, but three very big conspiracies and they all relate to Benghazi, former President Barack Hussein Obama’s birth certificate, and a secret order programmed into clone troopers to eliminate all the Jedi.
“I must admit I always knew there was more to Benghazi than our multi-year, multi-million dollar investigations uncovered,” Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) told us as he entered a D.C. area Krispy Kreme for a re-glazing. “Now that I know for a fact that Barack Obama is a time-traveling sentient Kenyan Commie Socialist sent her from another galaxy to Benghazi us and kill all our Jedi, I absolutely feel vindicated.”
Researchers are still pouring over the documents released by Trump yesterday, but many have been reporting astounding facts contained within the nearly 3000 pages that Trump released.
“I had no idea that George Soros had Obama created out of nothing but midichlorians, the building blocks of the Force,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told the press this morning at a prayer breakfast, before adding, “but now that I do know it absolutely confirms all the suspicions I had in my head about his real birth certificate.”
McConnell was referring to one aspect of the JFK files that seems to indicate Kennedy himself knew that Obama had been created out of the very basis of the Force and nothing else, and that he knew it posed a national security threat. So, according to some of the files, JFK may have had both the Kenyan and the Hawaiian birth certificates associated with Obama fabricated. Kennedy’s thinking at the time was that creating two certificates would throw investigators and Republicans off the scent long enough for Obama to quietly recreate the United States of America in Saul Alinsky’s vision, from within.
“Of course we all knew that Obama was a secret Kenyan communist trying to bring us down as a nation,” Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA), one of Obama’s most unrelenting critics, told the media, “and now this just all confirms it. He was a deeps state government plant, created out of thin air and just the Force, and he was sent here to change America radically and kill all the Jedi. Sad!”
Media caught up with former President Obama as he was coming out of the gym and asked him to comment on the JFK files. Obama, seeing the reporters, mumbled “something in Muslim,” according to one very Islamaphobic passerby, snapped his fingers, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke from burning taxpayer dollars.
This story is developing.