WASHINGTON, D.C. — Years ago, Congress mandated that by October 26th, 2017 all the files pertaining to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy must be released. President Donald Trump is now taking credit for making the magnanimous decision to not stand in the way of something he can’t legally stop anyway, showing the kind of leadership his base loves. The release of the JFK files has conspiracy theorists and common citizens abuzz with speculation, but one American in particular does not seem too thrilled that tomorrow’s deadline is coming fast.
“This morning I sent some Zodiac symbols, and a very sternly worded noted to the president,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told reporters in the capital today, “and I demanded that he do not release those JFK files, or there could be very stiff, very swift consequences.”
Citing “extremely personal reasons that are nunya business,” Cruz said that Congress made an “egregious and felonious, terrible mistake” when Congress mandated the files’ release. He is dedicated, Cruz said, to stopping the release of the files “by any means necessary.” He didn’t specify what those means might be.
“All I’m saying is that I know some people who would be very displeased with what comes out of those files,” Cruz said, “and I don’t wanna be grounded or lose my allowance when he finds out that the whole world knows what the president said last year about him is true. Shoot. I’ve said too much already.”
Senator Cruz insists that the country may not be ready for what they find in the files. He said that he knows “one very specific man in particular” who will be very upset if they are released. Cruz is hoping he can appeal to Trump’s loyalty to their shared political party to persuade the president to halt the JFK file release.
“We are the party of traditional American value values,”Cruz intoned, “and so I would hope that if I sidle up to President Trump, slurp any boogers back into mouth that might be hanging out, and just tell him that this is about helping out a certain family member, he’d be amenable to my request that he classify all JFK files as top secret.”
The White House, in a written statement, said they will take Cruz’s request “seriously and with much deliberation.”
“If anyone understands the importance of a family, it’s the Trumps,” the White House statement reads, “and as soon as Senator Cruz provides us evidence that he’s asking on behalf of a family member he wants to sleep with, we’ll absolutely oblige his request.”
Senator Cruz has not yet responded to the Trump administration’s request for further information.