Krispy Kreme Signs Deal To Be Trey Gowdy’s Official Congressional Glazing Sponsor

WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA — One of the nation’s top doughnut mongers has just inked a deal with one of the nation’s sweatiest congressman in what they are calling a “synergy of saturation.”

During a quarterly press conference with stockholders, Krispy Kreme announced that they would be sponsoring Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) and providing him with the all the doughnut glaze he needs for each and every hearing he takes part in. The spokesman for Krispy Kreme told shareholders and the media that Gowdy being from the same state as the doughnut chain’s headquarters was a “good first step” in the process. Then, when the executive board caught a few moments of Gowdy’s interactions with former CIA chief John Brennan, they believed they’d be missing a “golden marketing opportunity.”

Mr. Gowdy was particularly sweaty during an exchange that is roundly considered to have backfired on him. As reported in Esquire, Gowdy attempted to line up Brennan for a “gotcha” moment and instead he tripped himself up rather embarrassingly in the process.

Trey Gowdy, the lopheaded Javert of the endless Benghazi investigations, asked Brennan whether he had seen evidence of “collusion” between the Trump campaign and the Russians. This allowed Brennan to say that he saw evidence that “in my mind raised questions of whether it was collusion” and that he’d seen enough to encourage the FBI to keep “pulling threads” on that particular issue. (source)

“When people look at Congressman Gowdy during hearings,” Krispy Kreme executive Todd Shrinkleberry told everyone on the call, “they already have images of doughnuts and other glazed food products pop into their heads. His face is so sweaty, so glazed over with flop sweat, that first and foremost you realize he’s nowhere near the shrewd legal mind conservatives think he is, but more important to us, it makes you want a doughnut. Krispy Kreme would just like people to have a specific doughnut chain come to mind, is all.”

From now until Gowdy leaves congress, any time he appears on camera, he’ll be wearing a Krispy Kreme lapel pin just above the one of an American flag on his lapel. Krispy Kreme has also worked in partnership with C-SPAN to ensure that whenever Gowdy appears, their logo will be slapped up next to his face. As part of the arrangement, Gowdy will also work some nights and weekends at D.C. area Krispy Kreme franchises.

“I am very excited about this opportunity,” Gowdy told reporters later in the day, “and I am hoping with some extra time in the spotlight, I can finally get down to the business of helping Congress investigate the one thing most Americans know is the most important scandal of our times….Benghazi.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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