Boebert Demands Update from Biden White House on Windmill Cancer Vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During an interview on NewsmaxTV, Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) demanded that the White House provide an “immediate and urgent update” on the U.S. government’s development of a vaccine for windmill cancer.

“I’m just gonna say it, okay? I’m a straight shooter and I’m just gonna shoot straight right now,” Boebert told the Newsmax anchor. “I think Sleepy Joe is sleeping on the windmill cancer vaccine, and I think he’s slow-walking it because he knows in his heart that our dear former president will — and should — get all the credit for it.”

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During his tenure in office, Trump made pursuing a cure for windmill cancer — a disease that kills roughly 0 in every 1,000,000 Americans — a top priority of his administration. Windmill cancer was on Trump’s radar before he took office, as he used it to fight the government of Scotland when they wanted to install wind turbines near one of his golf courses. While the CDC, NIH, and no major medical journal has ever found a single instance of windmill cancer, Trump nevertheless pushed the government to look into a cure for it.

“Why should only non-fictional diseases get cures,” Trump asked in 2018. “Windmill cancer is as real as my grasp of the English language and business acumen, though the fake news enemies of the people will never tell you that.”

Rep. Boebert wants the Biden White House to send her office an update on federal efforts to find a windmill cancer vaccine, she told NewsmaxTV, because she doesn’t “want the American people to suffer needlessly.”

“Is President Biden really trying to tell us it’s more important to fight COVID-19 than windmill cancer, just because one can be proven and the other one can’t,” Boebert asked rhetorically. “What a crock, frankly. I can’t prove that trickle down economics work, but I still believe in it as much as I believe in the factual, historical figure of Jesus Christ, and that he was the literal son of God!”

Boebert also took time to update viewers on the situation with the brain cell she shares with fellow freshman Qongresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.

“We’ve told Sarah Palin that we’re very grateful for loaning it to us,” Boebert said, “but we need to hold onto it until the end of next year’s midterms. It’s, like, way more harder to come up with original talking points and campaign materials than I thought Margo and me thought it’d be.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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