FAR-TA-LAGO, FLORIDA — Sources close to the situation in Florida are telling us that this past weekend, several dozen crates of crayons were delivered to former President Donald Trump’s luxury resort, in preparation of his attempt to write a presidential memoir.
“Former President Trump has been taking remedial reading and writing classes so that he can write his memoir at a level both he and his followers can understand,” the Mar-A-Lago source told us via Skype today. “After several discussions with his kids, they decided that a hand-written memoir from the president would be the most appropriate. Which meant they were going to need an absolute ass-load of crayons.”
For the most part, Trump plans to draw his memoir and present it in the form of crude stick figure drawings of key moments from his singular term. It’s unclear if Trump plans to address any of the controversies of his administration, his two impeachments, staring at an eclipse without any eye protection, or suggesting that perhaps injecting bleach could cure COVID-19. Our source tells us that Trump plans to “give his devoted cult what they are clamoring for.”
“I know the first chapter will be devoted to every racist joke he and Stephen Miller wrote for speeches, but didn’t get used for one reason or another,” our source said. “He plans to devote an entire chapter to recounting all the holes-in-one he shot while playing golf as president. He’ll also lay out, in great detail, why he thinks Big Macs should be the official hamberders of the United States of America. You know; the important stuff.”
Former President Trump also plans on publishing a handful of the love letters he wrote his First Lady while in office.
“Initially, Ivanka didn’t seem too keen on having her private love life splayed out for everyone to see,” our source explained, “but once the publishing company told her that the book would probably sell a lot more copies if it included the love letters, she agreed and gave her consent for them to be reprinted.”
Former President Trump’s memoirs are expected to hit bookshelves later this year, from Stormfront Press.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.