Fauci Warns MAGAs: You Can Get Omicron from Cousin Despite Taking Ivermectin or Wearing Condom

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Appearing before the Senate Oversight and Pumpkin Pie Recipe Committee this morning, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Americans to “take caution” in preparing for their holiday gatherings and reunions. Fauci had ominous words for those living in the Bible Belt, cautioning them to “think long and hard about the omicron variant” of COVID-19 before making any plans.

“Look, Senator, it may turn out that omicron is less a threat than delta was, and it may not turn out to be the case. But I strongly urge everyone, particularly those living in certain red states, who might be so inclined to have a riskier setting for their party — you can still contract omicron from your cousin or sister, even if you take ivermectin and wear a condom,” Fauci warned.

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Dr. Fauci urged every American to get a COVID-19 vaccination, or if it’s been six months since their second dose of one, to get a booster vaccination, prior to engaging in any holiday parties or incestuous suck-and-fucks.

“We are certainly hopeful that omicron won’t prove as deadly as the original strains, just as we’ve managed to develop better mitigation steps and vaccines for more common flu strains. However, until such time as we are confident in that assessment, I must reiterate my guidance, and implore every American who is eligible to get a COVID vaccine, because that’s still the best defense we have against this virus,” Fauci said.

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) blasted Fauci during his testimony, accusing the doctor of “putting science and medicine ahead of the Constitution.”

“Dr. Fauci, with all due respect, sir, I am floored by your ego and hubris. You really want us to believe that your decades of education, training, and experience give you some special insights that I don’t have, as a carpet bagging, slime ball liar? And further, sir, I’ll have you know the Constitution trounces your so-called expertise, and you will rue the day you dared to give us information and medically-sound advice, Dr. Fauci,” Cruz shouted at the infectious disease expert.

So far, the COVID-19 virus has killed roughly 750,000 Americans, and millions worldwide; the first such Democratic hoax to do so.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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