Jeff Sessions Not Sure Trump’s Dick Tastes So Good After All

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Jeff Sessions told a gathering of evangelical Christians in the nation’s capital today that he is not stepping down, despite his boss, President Donald Trump, publicly criticizing him yet again on Twitter.

Yesterday, Trump blasted Sessions, asking why he assigned the Inspector General to investigate possible FISA court abuses by the Obama administration. The president’s tweet indicates he wants Sessions to use lawyers from the Department of Justice for the investigation. This is not the first time Trump has publicly chastised and criticized his attorney general.

“Now, I want to take the time to acknowledge that my boss, the President of these United States of America, has publicly called me out, yet again, for not being more loyal to him,” Sessions told congregants gathered for a prayer breakfast. “And as hard as that is to handle, I am not going anywhere, and as I said yesterday as long as I am the United States Attorney General, I will do my job with honor.”

Sessions did admit, however, that while he still believes he can get back on Trump’s “good graces,” he is starting to sour on the relationship himself in some ways.

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“Quite honestly, I’m not sure I like the taste of the president’s dick anymore,” Sessions said. “At first, the intoxicating feeling of being part of a winning presidential campaign made me overlook the fact that I’ve never been a fan of Cheetos, especially not ones served with a vodka back and a big bowl of borscht.”

Attorney General Sessions says that initially, he was able to “choke down and gently slobber all over” Trump’s penis, because he felt the “white hot surge of power” and he thought he could broker a “good trade off” in his mind.

“I was gonna be able to start the war on drugs back up, and that meant prosecuting nig — URBAN DRUG PUSHERS, excuse me — which made my heart throb and my pants tighten so much, I just ignored the bitter, acrid taste of the president’s schvantz,” Sessions said. “But even the prospect of throwing a ton of nig — DAMN IT — urbans — in jail just has not been able to help me wash the taste out of my mouth anymore.”

Despite his growing misgivings about the flavor of Trump’s phallus, Sessions says he still remains hopeful that he and the president can “find common ground again.”

“The good news is that we really have so much in common. Like racism, xenophobia, 1930’s era views of drugs,” Sessions said, “you know, the important stuff. So if I can just get back to where I like the taste of authoritarianism and jizz, I think we can get back to a good place with one another. I know I will certainly try my best.”

Sessions then asked the attendees to pray for his ability to enjoy the taste of Trump’s penis once more.

The White House was not reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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