Dick’s Will No Longer Sell Replacement Dicks

CORAPOLIS, PENNSYLVANIA — Retail giant Dick’s Sporting Goods announced today that they will no longer be in the business of selling phallic replacement devices, in the wake of one the country’s most popular stand-in penises being used to murder 17 people at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida on Valentine’s Day, earlier this month.

In a statement released earlier this morning, Dick’s said they will no longer carry semi-automatic, assault style replacement dicks in its stores nationwide. Via Twitter and other social media, the sporting goods store said that “thoughts and prayers” are not enough, and said that even though he didn’t use it in his killing act, the Parkland shooter bought a shotgun from one of their locations. The statement called gun violence an “epidemic that’s taking the lives of too many people.”

“But thoughts and prayers are not enough. We have to help solve the problem that’s in front of us. Gun violence is an epidemic that’s taking the lives of too many people, including the brightest hope for the future of America – our kids.” (Twitter)

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In addition to not selling assault style replacement dicks, the chain will also stop selling any firearms to people under the age of 21, and will no longer stock high-capacity ammunition magazines. In interview on ABC, Dick’s CEO Edward Stack defended the move.

“When we saw what happened in Parkland, we were so disturbed and upset,” Mr. Stack said in an interview Tuesday evening. “We love these kids and their rallying cry, ‘enough is enough.’ It got to us.” 

He added, “We’re going to take a stand and step up and tell people our view and, hopefully, bring people along into the conversation.” (The Failing New York Times)

Mr. Stack said that after the Marjory Stoneman Douglas shooter was identified, Dick’s began going over their sales records, hoping they wouldn’t find that they’d sold his murder weapon to him. Even though the executives were relieved to find the specific gun used in the attack wasn’t sold at Dick’s, they say they “could have been a part of this story’’ and decided that Dick’s doesn’t “want to be a part of this any longer.”

In a new interview today, Cheryl D’Porto, the junior deputy media contact for Dick’s, said that the company still considers itself a “general supporter of the Second Amendment,” despite choosing not to sell specific kinds of guns and accessories and raising their store’s policy’s age limit to buy firearms. Ms. D’Porto said that her company understands they’ll lose business from a “certain segment of society,” but that they hope to be able to stay afloat “relying solely on the business brought to us with average to larger sized penises.”

“We figured out that the people demanding an AR-15 are doing so to make up for their lack of dick,” D’Porto said. “So in the end we decided our moral clarity and ethical reputation meant more to us than some guy’s need to overcompensate for how small his dick is.”

This story is developing.

Satire can also be found on The Pastiche Post and Alternative Facts.

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