Ivanka: “If Anyone is Stroking Daddy, I Would Know About It!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Why was President Donald J. Trump rushed to Walter Reed Memorial Hospital in November of 2019? The White House has tried various ways to assuage fears and settle rumors that something urgent with the president’s health required him to be taken by the Secret Service to the hospital late last year. However, late yesterday CNN reported something quite shocking about the trip — namely that, according to a new book, Vice President Mike Pence was “put on standby” in case something happened to the president, which would be an extraordinary and uncommon development if true.

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Trump, who blasted former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s health during the 2016 campaign, and has been keen to savage his opponent this year on similar grounds, eventually took to Twitter to deny something that wasn’t actually reported in the book. Trump forcefully denied that he had a “series of mini-strokes” via Tweet. He called it “FAKE NEWS” and implied Joe Biden’s the one with declining mental health.

As could likely be expected, President Trump also received defense from his First Lady. Speaking at a press conference on re-opening the economy, Ivanka Trump told those in attendance they should “ignore the Democrat lies and distractions” about her father. Nobody is as close to him as she is, Ivanka told reporters and White House guests, and she’d “be the first to know” about him having any kind of stroke.

“It’s unfortunate that press continues to attack President Daddy like they do, on a daily basis,” Ivanka said. “They make up the most horrible lies about him that even though they turn out to be true, are still very vicious, hurtful lies before we get caught — I mean, before the full truth gets out. But let me just say, the idea of of Daddy getting stroked and me not knowing about it is absolutely laughable.”

The room got incredibly quiet. Ivanka didn’t notice, and she continued to speak.

“President Daddy most definitely was not stroked in November of last year, and I know that for a fact,” Ivanka said emphatically. “I mean, I get it. It sounded plausible to me at first because they said mini-strokes, and compared to all the other stroking in my life, I’d say mini is probably a fair way to describe President Daddy’s executive order. That’s what he calls his, you know, bully pulpit.”

Someone pointed out that Ivanka didn’t spend a lot of time in D.C. last November, and she laughed a rehearsed laugh.

“Oh that’s so funny! You’re a real card,” Ivanka said with a smile. “That’s actually, like, EXACTLY how I know for a fact President Daddy didn’t get stroked, okay? Doyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

Somehow, the room grew quieter still. Ivanka didn’t notice, once more.

“Anyway, alls I’m saying is, like, if anyone is stroking Daddy, I would know about it! That’s how close me and President Daddy are,” Ivanka exclaimed. “I can’t speak for Joe Biden and his kids, but I know me and my daddy are extremely close. Like, to the point of touching. All the time.”

As a reporter started vomiting, Ivanka thanked everyone for their time, and left the room.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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