STUDY: The Worst-Run Democrat Cities Are in The Worst-Run Republican Country

A newly published study seems to indicate that all the worst-run Democrat cities happen to be in the worst-run Republican country; namely the United States of America.

UPDATE: Ann Coulter Still a Horse-Faced Racist Cuntrag

In recent days, President Trump and his allies have tried to use the civil unrest in some major U.S. cities against his opponent, Democratic nominee former Vice President Joe Biden. Trump has tries to pin the violence and unrest squarely on the Democratic Party because the major metropolitan cities that have seen some protests turn violent over the last few weeks have mayors who are Democrats. Trump has been attempted to position himself as the “law and order” president, which many of his supporters say is not illogical or hilariously ironic, as it might seem.

“I think it makes a lot of sense for Donald Trump to be the law and order president,” Congressman Matt Gaetz said while taking a break from polishing the president’s taint with his tongue. “I mean, who better to know about law and order than the most unlawful, disorderly president of all time? I bet Ted Bundy would have been one hell of a homicide detective, know what I mean?”

It’s unclear whether the president understands his duties and responsibilities extend to all fifty states, and all the cities within a state regardless of which party’s candidate is running it. However, results of a new study from The Institute of Checking Stuff Out might force Trump to change his tune. That’s because according to the ICSO, every single city that Trump says is run poorly because it’s run by Democrats is actually in a country run by a Republican.

“And to be clear,” ICSO chairperson Candace Thompson told reporters this morning, “it is the worst-run Republican country in the world. Racial tensions are stoked daily by a failed businessman and reality-TV game show host to the point that violence is breaking out in the streets. He has overseen the worst response to COVID-19 in the world.”

Thompson kept rattling off reasons why every single Democrat-run city that Trump criticizes is, as it turns out, in a Republican-run country.

“The country is in the midst of its worst economic collapse ever, farmers are being paid not to grow crops because of a trade war with China,” Thompson explained. “There are fires breaking out on the west coast that the Republican in charge isn’t doing anything about. The leader of the country is actively encouraging people to engage in COVID-risky behaviors to help his re-election. He cozies up to dictators, and he has been trying to sabotage the mail system for purely political reasons.”

Despite the new report from the ICSO, President Trump remains unconvinced of its data and the conclusions it seems to point to. While practicing walking up and down gentle inclines on the White House lawn today, Mr. Trump was stopped be the press pool and asked about the results of the study. Trump laughed, and said that the news was “interesting” but that it “doesn’t pertain” to him.

“That’s about the President of Oregon, and the President if Wisconsin,” Thompson said. “Not me. Has nothing to do with me. I’m only president of the Republican states. Fuckin’ duh.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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