COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — There’s a new rumor flying around certain corners of the Internet that if elected, former Vice President Joe Biden would eliminate the U.S. Army. If the rumors are true, Biden would strip the army of its funding, give it to transgender gay married abortion doctors, and then replace it with a fighting force made up entirely of Antifa soldiers, hand-picked by George Soros, Barack Obama, and the President and CEO of Antifa, Inc.
The man who started the rumor, right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins, told his audience today that he “got in good authority” from his local friends who all gather in the backroom of the town’s tobacconist. Buzz, rumors, and conspiracy theories are often traded in those meetings, Jethro said. And in last week’s meeting, someone who “is pretty big in the 4chan world” told him about Biden’s plan for the army.
“Fam! Why would my good buddy lie about this? Just because he ain’t never been right about none of his predictions before,” Bohiggins reasoned, “that don’t mean he ain’t right over the target on this one. I believe it. Sure, I believed that Jade Helm was the Obama team gearing up to overthrow Texas, but what’s your point?”
FBI data shows that there has been a rise in alt-right, far-right and white nationalist terrorism activity since Donald Trump took office. Despite that fact, Bohiggins and most of Trump’s defenders and supporters choose instead to focus on AntiFa. Though it’s a political philosophy and movement, not an organization, Trump has labeled AntiFa a terrorist organization, and Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Taint) has been relentlessly retweeting right-wing news publications’ stories about Antifa, and even held a Senate hearing on Antifa before Congress left for their summer recess.
“I ain’t telling you I got evidence for any of this bullshit, okay? In fact, I’ll freely admit I do not,” Bohiggins said, “but there’s also no evidence that it ain’t real. It’s like voter fraud, fam. Just cuz I can’t prove it, don’t mean I don’t believe in it.”
“I’m just saying that it feels like libtards don’t actually like freedom,” Bohiggins howled, “because they always tellin’ us how, like, we shouldn’t say things is true just cuz we believe them to be. But, I’m sorry, if believing in the tooth fairy is all it takes for you to get a quarter under your pillow when one of your teeth falls out, then I’m good with believing that Joe Biden is a half-lizard alien who will dismantle our military and put AntiFa in its place!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.