Today, kids all across America are off from school, banks are closed, and the mail isn’t running because it’s a federal holiday. Today is the day that Americans celebrate the time-honored tradition of sucking off insurrectionist former presidents throughout our nation’s history. It’s such an important holiday that Senate Republicans couldn’t wait to celebrate, and they started the festivities a couple days early when 43 of them decided to vote to acquit former President Donald Trump of the impeachment charge brought against him that he incited the January 6th attack on the rotunda.
Despite the mob storming the capitol after Trump spent months whipping them into a violent fury, culminating with angry speech delivered in front of the White House, finishing just moments before the riot and insurrection started, the overwhelming majority of Republicans in the Senate decided that giving Trump one more sloppy, public blowjob, was more important than holding him accountable for nearly getting them killed. Political observers note this is quite a change for Republicans, who once impeached a president because he got a hummer in the Oval Office, and are now giving a man a hummer only after he left the Oval Office.
In a written statement from the 43 Republican Senators who exonerated Trump, they wish every American a “safe and happy Sucking-Off Insurrectionist Former Presidents Day.”
“As all good, clean, melanin-free, gun toting, ammo hoarding, cross burning, hooded robe wearing, Christian American patriot knows, Donald Trump is still our president, and always will be, even after we die and go to American Heaven,” the Senate Republicans wrote. “It is with and in that spirit that we humbly offer that great, tiny-handed, daughter-lusting man another public blowjob, because we clearly aren’t done defiling ourselves for his sake, and never will be as long as he lives, and his base is as armed and angry as they are.”
MORE: Former President Says His Balls are ‘Really Bigly Missing’ Devin Nunes and Ted Cruz These Days
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.