LAKE SKIPPY, TENNESSEE — Jack “Dipshit” McPhuckphace is known throughout his sleepy town as a moron. In fact, McPhuckphace is such a moron he’s won a prize at the state fair each year for the last two decades for being the “Dumbest, Most Inbred Sack of Stupid Shit in Tennessee.”
Recently, Jack was interviewed by a local newspaper, and as the area’s leading moron, was asked for the idiot take on vaccinations and mask requirements to help stop the spread of COVID-19. Needless to say, Jack is very skeptical of them. In fact, he thinks that the temporary inconvenience of wearing a face mask, or getting a vaccine and proving it with a passport or card, are nothing short of “real, honest to God, tyranny.” Even though he can’t actually spell the word, he knows tyranny when he sees it.
“What else could it possibly be except tyranny? I mean, I’m so stupid I thought a D-list reality-TV gameshow host who bankrupted several companies was good at business,” Jack told the reporter, “but in my opinion, having to wear something on my face while I shop for turkey jerky and canned cheese is literally worse than what Hitler did to the Jews.”
It’s not just masking or vaccine requirements that Jack says are “clear and irrefutable evidence” of the tyranny of the government. He believes that there are so many examples of tyrannical policies that Americans have “just become used to having no real freedom.”
“Think about it. You can’t cross a street without a government light giving you permission. You can’t drive six thousand miles per hour near a school if you want to, like Americans should have the right,” Jack insisted. “Shit, you can’t even drive that same car drunk while not wearing seatbelts anymore. And why? TYRANNY, FAM! STRAIGHT UP TYRANNY.”
The fact that there aren’t any real punishments for non-compliance, other than not getting to participate in things with the vaccinated or masked crowd, Jack says that doesn’t diminish the tyranny of the mandates.
“Sure, we’re not getting carted off to jail, or shot for disobedience,” Jack admitted, “but I still very tyrannized, and I ain’t gonna stop telling people that, either.”
Jack says he is done complying with mask and vaccine mandates.
“I’m done. Okay? I’m done. Two years of politely asking me to do something that benefits more than just me is more than enough,” Jack howled. “I AM DONE. YOU HEAR ME? No more masks. No vaccines.”
Editor’s Note: Jack McPhuckphace is currently on a ventilator at Our Lady of the Cousin Fuckers Memorial Hospital, suffering from an acute diagnosis the COVID-19 delta variant.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.