Tennessee Trump Voter Wants Taco Bell Shut Down For ‘Being Too Mexican’

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — When Jethro Bohiggins walked into the Taco Bell in his town for the first time, he was greeted with words, smells and tastes that offended him to his core. Though someone’s taste buds being offended in Taco Bell is nothing new, what made The Political Garbage Chute reach out to Jethro was the reason for his outrage, and the campaign he’s started because of that outrage. Bohiggins is convinced that Taco Bell is “an agent working for the Mexican government” and they are “infiltrating American culture one Cheesy Gordita Crunch at a time.” So Jethro wants Taco Bell run out of his small Tennessee town, and he’s petitioned everyone from his local city council on up to the governor of the state to have the fast food chain thrown out of Hazard for good.

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“You know there isn’t a single hamburger to be found on Taco Bell’s menu,” Jethro asked our interviewer rhetorically while adding, “there is nothing more American than a hamburger. So I have to ask, what is about America that Taco Bell hates?”

Bohiggins says that he’s “not racist at all” but that he “just know[s] that you can’t have a huge welfare state and let any Tom, Dick or Jose in the country” even though he also says he “understands that undocumented people can’t get Federal and most state benefits.” Bohiggins says that his fight against Taco Bell is symbolic as a “struggle against the silent invasion from the South.” When shown immigration statistics that prove no major influx of Mexican immigrants is coming into the country, Bohiggins told us “it’s the principle of the thing” and “just because it’s one way today don’t mean it won’t be another way tomorrow.”

Jethro said that “until the border is secure, we can’t have any more Mexicans coming over here” and that “coming to a place like America and seeing authentic Mexican food at places like Taco Bell might encourage them to come here illegally and never leave.”

“Would it kill them to put a nice steak and potato meal on their menu,” Jethro asked. “I mean, steak and potatoes is American as fuck. But no, it’s all taco this and burrito that. It’s offensive to me that in America I might have to read menu items in a different language. I don’t go to any fancy-shmancy restaurant where the menu is in whatever language the cuisine is in. I’m an American, different cultures frighten and confuse me. I want my menus in English and my waiters better speak it too, or you can get the fuck out of this country as far as I’m concerned!”

Jethro told our interviewer that he doesn’t “want to make it seem like [he’s] anti-immigrant” he just “wants the invisible boundary lines made up centuries ago to be enforced.” He also said that “it’s a great thing that these people still see the U.S. as such a great place to make a life for themselves that they risk everything and break all kinds of laws to get in here” but that “we should take a hard-line stance with them because it’s not like immigrants have ever helped us build intercontinental railroad lines or something like that.”

“All I’m saying is that we live in America,” Jethro said while continuing, “and if you’re not going to adopt American values then you should get out. Taco Bell is an American restaurant in America. There should be cheeseburgers and fries on the menu, and I should be encouraged to bring my gun into the joint. That’s American values right there. But instead I have to settle for a Chalupa and a seven layer burrito and I have to leave my gun in the car.”

Bohiggins says that he is still waiting for the Hazard city council to return his calls, but he has been picketing outside the Taco Bell for the last two weeks. Holding a sign that says “It’s The U.S.A., Not The U.S. of Tacos,” Bohiggins says that though most people who approach him have laughed and gone inside anyway, that he knows he’s “sparked a lot of conversations around the dinner table lately” and that “at least a few people will think twice about getting a quesadilla.”

“It’s just too Mexican in there,” Jethro told us, “that’s all I’m saying. It’s just too Mexican. Would it kill them to put an apple pie on their menu?”

Jethro said that his struggles with the Taco Bell menu are his “chief reason” for voting for Trump next month.

“He’ll build a wall around Taco Bell and do extreme vetting on their line cooks,” Jethro said, “and he’ll force them put cheeseburgers on the menu. We can make America great again by purging it of anything that’s just too Mexican, like Taco Bell.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

  1. Shame on you, James Schlarmann, or whatever your true name is, for presenting this as left-leaning commentary instead of satire. Satire should be clearly labelled as such. You have made my list of disreputable writers and before you gloat that you got my hit so that somehow justifies your dishonesty, I have adblock and only disable it for reputable articles. Yours will not be among them going forward just as it wasn’t for this one.

      • Apparently he is, because it was more like poor news writing than satire. Satire written poorly, so it is not obvious at least by the ending that it is satire, is just dishonest click-bait, not satire.

    • You know I don’t give a fuck that a humorless shit face thinks I’m “disreputable” because they can’t discern satire, right? You do know that satire is literally not supposed to be labeled because it loses it’s number one weapon — surprise — right?

      Please, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself so hard you can’t see straight. It’s people like you that suck the enjoyment out of life. James Schlarmann is my real name. I don’t think anyone would be dumb enough to make up a name like that and think it’s a good stage and/or pen name.

      Your voice is anything but serene. It’s a shrill, feckless bark in the night.

      And before I forget, again, go.fuck.yourself.

    • Satire should never be labelled. People STILL argue whether Swift was serious in writing A Modest Proposal. And that allows it to still be discussed long after the situation it highlights has passed. (Which keeps us mindful of controversies, morality, and ethics when otherwise we might grow complacent.)

    • People mistook “A Modest Proposal” as being serious too. The long tradition of satire is that you HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT. And that if you aren’t IN on the joke, you DON’T GET IT.

  2. Yes. You should have put a disclaimer because shit this retarded and worse is totally possible from the mouthbreathing window lickers.

  3. If just by reading this, you can’t infer that it is satire, then you deserve to be fooled. For, due to your inability to discern (based upon thid article), truth from satire, it would be safe to assume that you were stupid, and therefore deserving of ridicule.

  4. I can understand how the politicians can fool these people from the south. Sounds like this gentleman didn’t get past the second grade. Long on mouth short on brained. It’s a so call restaurant with a Mexican theme. No self respecting Mexican will call it a Mexican restaurant. He better brush up on his facts. Hamburgers were brought to America. They weren’t invented here. He doesn’t like Mexican food hey don’t go there.. I don’t see any chains on you. You want a burger there’s several places that sell them, not very good,but if that’s what you want boogie your ass down there. As to the rest of your drivel I won’t comment on it. Your so far out in left field……. Well I will just say this…… Your one big one.

  5. Any Mexican will tell you that Taco Bell isn’t Mexican food.

    Had his name been Cleetus, it might not have been a poe.

  6. sorry folks but nowadays with the likes of trump, cruz, bundy and the rest… nothing surprises…that’s the whole POINT of satire

  7. The main problem with using making satire from Republicans is the simple fact that so much of what they do say and believe is worse than any satire that we all have problems with our irony meters going off the chart. One example being the recent remarks for Cruz that we are one Supreme Court Justice away from all the Crosses in Arligton being chiseled offf. So it is not hard to believe some backwoods hick would be protesting Taco Bell as too Mexican in this day in age/

    • Maybe eating American food is still not patriotic enough. Not even remotely patriotic. We are a white race. The white race rules supreme. The way you make America great again is to add sugar and salt to your diet. Lots of grease is not bad. We need to add huge quantities to prove how educated we are. Isn’t it true that the ancient Greeks were smarter than everyone else? So there you have it, eat donuts. They practically all grease and sugar. Gorge on them. Atta boy!!! Soon we will know who is the most patriotic of all other patriots. It will be easy to spot them. They will be morbidly obese. Some of them will be so patriotic, they can’t get around except in wheel chairs.

  8. With how much stupidity Americans have displayed in the past year by supporting a buffoon such as Trump, this doesn’t even come off as satire but as a legitimate article about a legitimate buffoon.

  9. And McDonald’s needs to bring back the McRib, because the lack of pork on the menu is too “Jewy”/”Muslimy”…

    And Burger King is obviously supporting a monarchy like that from which we fought to win our independence…

    Burgerville FTW, and for true patriotic Americans… 😉

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