ELWOOD, ILLINOIS — The Illinois chapter of the Nazi Party announced this week that they are officially endorsing billionaire professional bankruptcy artist and reality-TV star Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election.
“We just fell in love with Donald the minute he retweeted that murder rate statistic,” Grant Ryan told reporters at a press conference outside the Illinois Nazi Party’s headquarters, adding, “talk about having balls! We Nazis just fucking love balls!” Ryan has been the president of the Illinois chapter of Nazis since 2006, when he took over for his father in the same position. Ryan told the press that his organization “will gladly endorse any candidate who has the big, beautiful, chewing-gum-like testicles it takes to blast out bogus murder stats to help promulgate the notion that black people are inherently more violent than white people.”
Ryan also told reporters that initially the INP wasn’t sure who to endorse, because according to him, “while a lot of the candidates were saying things against immigrants that could be construed in a racist tone, no one was taking the racist horse by the racist reins until Trump’s retweet.” In Ryan’s estimation, Trump was probably picking up on a “vibe in the air” over the Syrian refugee crisis, and could tell that “good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing, minority-hating Americans don’t want to just open the door for radical Muslims” even though he conceded he has “never heard of a refugee attacking America” from within the country.
“Oh sure, the liberal, Jew loving, Muslim apologist, black crime ignoring media will tell you that these so-called widows and orphans are vetted thoroughly,” Ryan said, “and they’ll tell you that no refugee has ever committed a terrorist attack on our soil. But we’re not talking about reality here; we’re talking about paranoid, willfully ignorant delusions fueled by a toxic cocktail of our own religious fundamentalism and both subtle and overt racist political rhetoric.”
“In the end, as American Nazis we know our choices in candidates are kind of slim,” Ryan said, “so you can imagine how excited we were when Trump tweeted those stats. Then, when he didn’t back down from them and just obliquely said he doesn’t check every fact, and that retweets aren’t endorsements, it made us realize he was willing to literally say and do anything for attention and a bump in the polls. We Illinois Nazis just love that, and we’ll be holding a rally in the park this weekend in honor of Mr. Trump.