HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — At this point, a couple of months since its launch, the streaming service Disney+ simply must be considered a rousing success. When the Walt Disney Company entered the streaming content market, many believed it would succeed, given that it was going to debut with not just a bevy of Disney content, but also recently acquired Fox properties like The Simpsons. Disney’s gambit on a live-action, made for TV Star Wars series, though, made perhaps the biggest impact when The Mandalorian became a true breakout, smash hit. Anyone familiar with Disney’s business dealings, however, likely won’t be surprised to find out the company that Mickey built is looking to expand their streaming market share even further, this time catering to people with IQ levels consistent with the President of the United States of America.
“We’re pleased to announce that just in time for the summer election season, Disney- will debut,” Disney CEO Bob Iger announced on an investor call this morning, “and it’ll feature all the same, wonderful content on our flagship streaming service, but you know, dumbed down so that the president, people in his cabinet, and the vast majority of his supporters, can understand it.”
Iger revealed that Disney has been a hard at work “downscaling the intelligence and intellect” of all the content offered by Disney+ “round the clock” to ensure that when the service launches in a few weeks, its all as stupid as can be.
“The Mandalorian has been renamed Marriage Is Between a Mandalorian and a Womandalorian,” Iger said, “and the whole entire plot and dialogue have changed drastically. Instead of trying to save Baby Yoda, Mando’s trying to get it deported from his homeland, since he’s an undocumented alien.”
On Disney-, episodes of The Simpsons have been carefully edited so as not to offend Trump or his supporters. Over the course of the 30 years it’s been airing, the animated comedy series has taken several comical potshots at Trump, famously predicting that Lisa Simpson would be elected president one day, and her biggest task would be cleaning up the mess left in the wake of a Donald Trump presidency. All jokes at the expense of the religious right have been replaced with Pat Robertson reading bible verses.”
While a lot of the content on the service will be retooled or re-edited content found on Disney+, there will be some fresh, new original content just for Disney- subscribers, Iger announced. Dan Bongino will have a show where he masturbates his obviously tiny penis furiously while reading Hillary Clinton’s 11+ hour Benghazi hearing testimony. Pro-Trump Twitter troll Carpe Donktum will host a show of “hilarious” clips he’s taken from movies made by artists that hate Trump and turned them into Trump propaganda videos all while also masturbating furiously.
“The truth is, a lot of our new original content is just pro-Trump media personalities giving themselves high fives and jerking off to the sound of their own voices,” Iger admitted. “Then again, that just means our target audience will feel it’s authentically pro-Trump, which is all we’re really going for.”
Disney- will cost four times what Disney+ costs, but Iger said that too is consistent with what Trumpers want and feel comfortable with.
“For years they railed against Obama as a socialist, and now they support a guy who’s all but nationalized the farms in the heartland with all the welfare he’s given them,” Iger said, “and as much as they kvetch about the overspending habits of liberals, they’ve got a guy in the White House who proposed a budget that blow the deficit up by trillions of dollars over a decade. Anyone who subscribes to Steven Crowder, or Dan Bongino and gives them money is used to paying more for a shitty, inferior product, in other words, so Disney- will fit right in their media repertoire of B-team wannabes and hacks.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.