Hillary Clinton Offers to Represent Roger Stone at Future Parole Hearings

LAKE FOREST, NEW YORK — Former Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton formally offered to be Roger Stone’s legal counsel for any future parole hearings he may have. While the judge in his trial grapples with satisfying President Trump’s personal Department of Justice with her sentence, Ms. Clinton wrote a letter to stone in which she offered to represent him to the parole board, once his sentence has been meted out.

“Roger, how are you doing these days? I hope well,” Clinton opened, “I wanted to write and offer you my services. As you know, I’m an attorney, and I’m quite familiar with you and your case. I must apologize that the roles aren’t reversed, and I’m not the one who’s been locked up, but then again I didn’t commit any crimes, so there’s that. But you did you, and that’s fine. I’m not here to quibble with someone who will be spending time behind bars while I, and all of my emails, will be free to go anywhere and do anything for the rest of my life.”

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In recent days, President Trump has taken an extremely personal interest in Stone’s case. He has lobbied — successfully — to have his personal Attorney General William Barr pressure the prosecutors in the case to resign rather than stand behind an extreme reduction in the duration of the sentence they’re asking the judge to hand down. Trump has repeatedly tweeted his anger at how Stone has been treated, accusing the prosecution of corruption without providing any evidence to back up his claims. Stone was convicted by a jury of his peers after a trial that presented evidence and witnesses, which sources say Trump has denounced for not aligning with the kind of trial he got in the Senate for his impeachment.

Ms. Clinton didn’t seem to want to wade into the political firestorm and controversy swirling around Stone’s case. Clinton never mentioned Trump by name in her offer letter, in fact. She did allude to him, however, in one passage.

“It would appear you’re headed for jail time, Roger, no matter how much pressure your lowbrow friends in high places put on the courts,” Clinton wrote. “The judge in your case can still make your life a pretty rotten hell, and she can can even ask the DOJ for a ton of documents that will only delay your sentencing. At some point though, Roger, you will be locked up. While I certainly get a little bit of a perverse, schadenfreude-laden thrill about that, I’m a compassionate woman, Roger, and I just want to help you, when and if the time comes. I would be honored if you’d let me represent you as your legal counsel in any parole hearings you might get, after, you know, you’re locked up.”

Clinton acknowledged that Stone may not end up needing her services after he’s sentenced and sent to jail to serve his time.

“I realize that a man of your age might be living in borrowed time. In fact, that may be why you figured you could just do whatever you want to, and collude with a hostile foreign power to subvert our election,” Clinton wrote. “Then again, even when you were much younger than you are now, with your botoxed face and surely wrinkly ball sack, you acted like you could do whatever you want with no consequences. But the point is, maybe you’ll die in prison, locked up, and you won’t need my services. But I do hope you’ll consider my offer.”

As of the time of publication, Stone has not responded to Clinton’s offer.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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