Americans Shocked to See Rich Middle-Aged White Conservative Woman Pretend She’s a Victim

It was a shocking scene in the nation’s capitol today. Not because it was the site of another deadly insurrection inspired by the Big Lie told by a tangerine-tinted wannabe tyrant; today was actually a day free of right-wing extremist violence in D.C. However, what unfolded shortly after lunch time in the House of Representatives has sent shockwaves of surprise throughout the country.

For roughly ten minutes, Qongresswoman Marjorie Craycraylor Greene attempted to convince the House that she should not be stripped of her committee assignments. Ms. Greene was placed on the House Education Committee by her fellow Republicans, sparking outrage from Democrats when social media posts emerged in which Greene implied that the Parkland and Sandy Hook school shootings were staged events where children didn’t die. More social media posts from before Greene was elected were discovered in which Greene embraced the QAnon conspiracy and endorsed the murder of Democrats.

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While Greene claimed that she now believes 9/11 really happened, that QAnon isn’t real, and that school shootings weren’t false flags, she offered no apologies. She showed no contrition for stalking a teenager on social media. Instead, Greene wore a mask with the words “FREE SPEECH” emblazoned on it, and attempted to cast aspersions on House Democrats.

D.C. rumors are swirling that Greene had to be convinced not to drag a giant wooden cross into the rotunda to hang herself on it, but decided to light it on fire later this evening.

Around the country, reports started flooding in that Americans were fainting as Greene spoke. Apparently, seeing a white, rich, middle-aged conservative Christian woman pretend she’s a victim was too much for many citizens to process, and their brains forced them to take an immediate nap. We’ll update this story with their accounts as they come in.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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