Marjorie Taylor Greene Requests Medical Crack Exception From House Leadership

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene has a lot of time on her hands, now that she’s been completely stripped of her committee assignments. Some reports have placed Rep. Greene around D.C., standing in front of WalMarts and Chick-Fil-A establishments holding various QAnon pamphlets and shouting “MAGA FOR LIFE BITCHES!” into a bullhorn. It appears that having all this time on her hands has also allowed for Greene to only deepen her connection and addiction to crack.

Being addicted to crack usually not a good thing for an elected official. However, for a politician like Greene, whose stock and trade is unhinged, loony nonsense, it’s a prerequisite of sorts. However, crack is still an illegal, banned substance on the federal level, which would normally expose Congresswoman Greene to arrest. Now, Greene has asked House Leadership to give her a medical crack exception.

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“I need to have my daily crack intake. This is a medical necessity,” Greene announced to reporters as she checked her car for loose change. “Crack is my fuel. It’s what makes me the lovable little ball of joy I am! Without my crack, I’m afraid of who I am and who I will be.”

Greene says she’s asserting her First Amendment rights.

“Every American is entitled to hit the glass dick and speak their mind,” Greene said. “And with Cracky by my side — that’s what I call my crack pipe, by the way — I know I’m smarter than I am without him. I need my crack to sound remotely intelligent. Imagine how idiotic I’d sound without it!”

Surprisingly, Speaker Nancy Pelosi has shown early signs of supporting Greene’s petition.

“Firstly, I’ve always been one to trust adults to know what they want to put in their bodies. Secondly, as a proponent of women’s choice in all things, I think it’s her body, her choice in this case,” Pelosi said. “Most importantly though, now that she’s literally only one loud, annoying vote, why not let her smoke crack? What’s the worst she can do, as one crackhead, anyway?”

This story is developing.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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