WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) received some heartbreaking news. Her sister was killed last night in what authorities are calling a “freak weather-related incident.” Greene, however, is confident her sister was killed after a dispute over some ruby slippers erupted in violence, ultimately leading to her sister’s death.
“I found out that last night my sister Nessarose was minding her own business, taunting Munchkins, as is her right in this country, when she was assaulted,” Greene told reporters somberly. “In typical libtard fashion, her killer chose not to use a gun, like freedom loving Americans would. Instead, they dropped a dang ol’ house on my sister’s head!”
Authorities in Munchkin land have confirmed that last night, after one of the worst tornadoes the region has seen, a house appeared out of nowhere and fell right on top of Ms. Greene’s sister’s head, killing her instantly. Ironically, medical examiners at the scene said that if Greene herself had been hit with the house in such a way, she likely would have lived.
“While most human beings have a brain in their skull that would die if a house fell on it,” one source close to the situation told us. “Mango, or whatever her name is, doesn’t have that problem to contend with. So at worst, you’d just hear a loud farting noise, like if someone sat on a giant whoopie cushion, if a house fell on her head.”
Rep. Greene promised to help law enforcement agencies in any capacity she can, both as a member of Congress, and as a horse faced cave troll.
“As a member of the House, who has been stripped of all my committee assignments for being a violent sociopath,” Greene said, “my powers are kind of limited. But as a horse faced cave troll and attention whore, I am quite powerful indeed.”
Just before ending her press conference, Greene was offered a glass of water, but quickly turned it down.
“Hell no! Are you trying to literally kill me? Everyone knows I only drink Monster energy drinks and Don Trump’s piss,” Greene said, batting the water away from her. “Now, someone call my monkeys and have them meet me at my office. We have a murder to investigate.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.