GILEAD COUNTY, TEXAS — Officials with the Texas State Sex Fluid and Biomatter Protection Agency are reporting this morning that they have 35-year-old Fred Franklin in custody.
Franklin had been wanted in connection to an alleged attempted genocide of millions of potential humans. Complicating matters, Franklin is not a resident of Texas, and lives in nearby Oklahoma. However, last night his state’s law enforcement agencies handed Mr. Franklin over to the TSSFBMPA for immediate processing.
“We hope this arrest sends a clear and unmistakable message to everyone in all fifty states. Don’t come here unless when you come here you know what you’re getting into when you cum here,” TSSFBMPA Lt. Richard Seepage told reporters. “We take protecting unborn life very seriously in Texas. We take protecting potential unborn life even more seriously, and we will not be told to do otherwise.”
Under Texas state law, women can no longer seek and obtain an abortion after the six-week mark in their pregnancy. However, state law also prohibits the “wanton and intentional destruction of human life from the point of erection.” Conservatives in the state have praised the law for its zeal in protecting the unborn and the not yet conceived.
“Mr. Franklin entered Texas state lines, stayed in Dallas on a business trip,” Lt. Seepage explained, “and proceeded to watch pornographic materials on his iPad, which we are still looking into how he got around our statewide ban on porn that doesn’t feature step-incest and MAGA hats.”
That’s when things took a turn. Responding to a call for turndown service, housekeeping arrived at his room and entered after he didn’t hear them knocking. Franklin had his earbuds in. Despite the fact that the housekeeper had entered the wrong room, she arrived just at the climax of Mr. Franklin’s self-exploration, and upon seeing him finish, she knew what she had to do.
“Terrified, she called the police right away,” Lt. Seepage said. “However, officers were not able to respond until the next morning, and Franklin had escaped custody, headed for his home state of Oklahoma.”
After a week of negotiation between the two states’ judicial systems, Franklin was arrested outside his home last evening, and flown to Gilead County. Mr. Franklin will be arraigned later this week. Former Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly volunteered to “scour and examine” the evidence against Franklin, to ensure proper prosecution.
“Vice President Pence has even said he’s willing to personally examine Franklin’s murder weapon,” Lt. Seepage informed the press. “He’s really into this case, and says he won’t rest until he’s gotten his hands on that weapon to truly understand how airtight the case is.”
Franklin’s legal team did not respond to a request for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.