Coulter and Greene to Race at Churchill Downs for Charity

Two of America’s favorite female equine-Americans have agreed to race for charity, according a joint press release.

“The Congressional Office of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, in partnership with succubus and author Ann Coulter, are pleased to announce that a race for charity between the two will be held later this year, at Churchill Downs — a legendary, hallowed ground if ever there was one,” the announcement proclaims. “Ann and Mango will compete in the same kind of hoof-race that is held each year at Churchill, during the running of the Kentucky Derby. Any MAGAs in the area will be invited to show up and wear a crazy, outlandish hood, and sip on a Mint Julip (pronounced on this day as “Jew-Lips” at the request of Rep. Greene), and watch two of the finest ponies American conservativism has to offer running their tails off!”

Man Outraged FBI Called Him About Death Threat He Issued to Son’s Third Grade Teacher

Donations are already being taken by Rep. Greene’s campaign, with assurances that “at least 6-7%” of proceeds that don’t wind up being spent on her crack and gun habit going toward the race’s cash reward. However, both Greene and Coulter have agreed to donate the entire purse to a charity of their choosing.

“Rep. Greene will donate the winnings to Qrossfit for Qlansmen, and Ms. Coulter will throw her winnings down the portal to Hell she emerged from,” the announcement reads, “provided her mother’s twat can be flown to Kentucky ahead of the race.”

Rep. Matt Woody Allen Gaetz (Q-FL) called the charity competition “one of the most MAGA and perfect ideas any American has ever had.”

“Given that these fillies are some of the most well known racists in the country,” Gaetz told OANN today, “I think MAGA-mericans are in for one hell of a race. If one of them was just a third as old as they are, I’d be pretty tempted to leave my wife for them!”

The race organizers said they’re hoping that one horse wins without the need for a photo finish, however.

“Race track cameras are expensive,” one source close to the situation explained to us. “We don’t want to risk them breaking by having to a take a close-up picture of the two of their faces.”

Local Moron Sees Inconvenience as Tyranny

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This