Gowdy: Hillary Clinton is the Center of a Vast Conspiracy to Defeat Herself

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) told reporters Monday evening that he believes when Special Counsel Robert Mueller finishes his probe into the Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election, whether or not there are any more indictments handed down, that “all roads will lead back to Hillary Clinton.” Gowdy believes, he said as he was leaving the office Monday evening, that former Secretary of State Clinton was the chief conspirator in a plan to defeat herself in the election.

“Why would she do this? I haven’t quite figured that one out yet,” Gowdy admitted. “But I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is to blame for everything as it pertains to Manafort, Gates, Papadopoulous, the common cold, diarrhea, and the Holocaust. So the exact reason why she wanted to defeat herself is immaterial.”

Gowdy said that the Uranium One deal that right-wing media has been covering so extensively of late is “very probably maybe could be but at least should be” related to the charges filed against Manafort and Gates earlier Monday. Though he can’t give specifics yet, Gowdy said there is no limit to the effort he will make to create the connection.

“I will spend every taxpayer dollar I have to in order to prove my fever dream is a reality to my constituents and the American People,” Gowdy said proudly.

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In an interview with Anderson Cooper, Gowdy was asked if he thought his fiscally conservative constituents would be okay with him spending millions of dollars trying to prove what is, for now, just a hypothesis of a very shiny man. Gowdy dismissed the question, mopping Krispy Kreme glazing from his brow as he spoke.

“Since when in the hell did Republicans need to worry about their constituents getting mad about wasting taxpayer dollars on political theater, Anderson? I mean, I think we have a rich tradition from Benghazi to blowjobs of investigating the most inane and self-evidently contrived bullshit of conspiracy theories,” Gowdy chastised Cooper.

When pressed, Gowdy wasn’t able to come up with definitive proof of his theory, but he did offer up a general outline of it.

“Obviously the Uranium One deal was where she secretly, with the advice and counsel of several government agencies that also had to sign off on it, convinced Vladimir Putin to help her run against and nearly defeat Donald Trump, only to lose and force our country into a derp-filled Dark Ages,” Gowdy said with intense confidence.

This story is developing.

Some more enjoyable satire:

Hillary Clinton Personally Sews and Sends Paul Manafort an Orange Jumpsuit

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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