WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced today that his coronavirus response task force has enlisted the service of three new specialists who the president believes could be “absolute game changers.” President Trump called these new medical experts and asked if they’d like to join the task force after seeing them praise his administration’s response to the pandemic COVID-19 outbreak, and to suggest it might be time to get the country back to work soon, despite the medical community in general not wanting to rush Americans back to work before truly having a handle on the virus. The president also noted that all three experts were recent graduates from Trump University School of Medicine’s immunology program, and that they are “bigly yuge nerd-brained” on the subject now.
“I am very, very pleased to announce that I have brought on three incredible new doctors to the coronavirus task force,” Trump tweeted this morning. “Dr. Rudy Giuliani, whose focus will be on trying to dig up dirt on the coronavirus. Dr. Sean Hannity, who will be tasked with researching whether sucking me off and kissing my ass could be a good replacement for a vaccine, until such time as a vaccine is developed. And of course, Dr. Tomi Lahren, who will be looking into whether we can convince COVID-19 to only infect libtarded snowflake soyboy beta cucks.”
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It’s no big secret on the Hill that the president has been quite concerned about the COVID-19 outbreak’s influence on the economy, and thus his re-election chances. His daily press briefings, ostensibly to update the country on the state of his administration’s response to the coronavirus, have started to focus just as much on Trump’s wishful thinking about potential drug treatments for the virus, and this past weekend, he even suggested that Americans could start taking one drug in particular, before they’ve even been tested or diagnosed for COVID-19 infection. President Trump told reporters at the White House later in the morning that the new panel of experts was being brought in, at least partly, to give him “more people on [his] side” in the briefings.
“So called doctors with medical degrees without my university’s name on them are getting their little feelings hurt just because I’m giving out unverified, unlicensed medical advice,” Trump explained. “So I did what what anyone surrounded by real experts telling them to reconsider their position would do — I hired a few lackeys so they can drown out the criticism. Bing-bang-boom, PRESIDENTIN’.”
All three of the new experts have appeared on television and radio to defend Trump’s handling of the outbreak in recent days, and all three have backed-up Trump’s suggestion to try unverified drug treatments to combat its spread. President Trump decided that since his base already trusts their advice more than they trust actual doctors, that he might as well bring Giuliani, Lahren, and Hannity onto the task force. He hopes they’ll be able to help keep Trump supporters calm and receptive to taking medical advice from a D-List reality TV game show host.
The trio’s first week with the COVID-19 task force will see them traveling to the White House to take a “loyalty oath,” the president announced. Lahren, Hannity, and Giuliani will all need to be pre-screened for the coronavirus before arriving, the president declared. He said he wanted to be “consistent” across the board, having just told Congressmen Matt Gaetz of Florida and Devin Nunes of California that they needed to be wearing gloves and masks while they licked his balls.
“The president reached out to Representatives Nunes and Gaetz and sent an urgent request for them to come to the White House for an emergency ass kissing, dick sucking, and ball licking sessions,” White House Press Drunk Stephanie Grisham slurred to reporters this morning. “As everyone out there in America knows, the one person who can protect this country is the president, and in he’ll need all the strength his ego can muster to do so. He’s gotten quite used to the regular genital fluffing and rectal polishing that Gaetz and Nunes give him, and has been missing those services they provide since the start of the COVID-19 lockdown.” (Political Garbage Chute)
Last week, the United States overtook the top global position in total number of COVID-19 cases. There are still almost ten states with governors who have not issued stay at home or social distancing orders. The White House currently estimates that upwards of a quarter million people could perish as a result of contracting the novel coronavirus.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.