WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump told America’s governors on a conference call today that if they promise to award him their state’s Electoral College votes this November, he will “make bigly sure” they receive all the federal assistance they need to combat the spread of COVID-19 — the novel coronavirus — personally. The president offered any governor willing to pledge their state’s Electoral College votes to him in this fall’s presidential election what he called “the deal of a lifetime,” namely, any and all federally-backed resources they need to fight back the pandemic outbreak of COVID-19. Speaking to reporters in the White House hallways on his way to have the kitchen staff make him a triple-decker nacho cheese fried chicken and steak sandwich, Trump gave some details of his proposals to White House pool reporters

“In times like these, everyone needs all the help they can get. Sure, these governors all should’ve anticipated that when I said it’s a hoax it was going to be really bigly bad,” Trump said, “but they should all feel coming to my federal government and asking me, personally, for help. Because nothing would make me happier than to be everyone’s savior, which, if we’re being honest, I already am. So right off the bat, I would say that it would certainly be my honor to help them get anything they need to battle this invisible scourge that may or may not have been a hoax until I realized I couldn’t excuse my way out of dealing with it.”

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Trump made a face like he was thinking. He put his hand up to his chins, covering just barely a third of one of them. Suddenly, a loud sound like someone ripping wet salami was heard, and moments later, eye and nose witnesses report they smelled something that smelled like a dead rat fucking a three month old corpse. Trump continued without missing a beat or acknowledging his rectal sneeze.

“So, I tells ’em the other day on the phone, I tells ’em, I’ll help you get their respirators, but I want you all to do me a favor, though,” Trump explained. “That favor? Just come and kiss my ring. Show some goddamned respect. Then, while you’re on bended knee, offer me your Electoral College votes. ALL OF THEM. Then, bingo-bango-bongo, I give you whatever the hell you need.”

While Trump has insisted since he won the 2016 election that he did so with a “landslide” in the Electoral College, the math actually shows that his margin of victory places him in the middle of the pack. Because he didn’t win the popular vote, his victory made him the least-popularly elected president of all time. Much of his victory in the Electoral College came tanks to roughly 100,000 votes spread out over three key states. Getting a large portion of the Electoral College’s available votes would certainly be a feather in the cap for a man who has seemed, at times, more obsessed with the appearance that he’s popular than with governance.

“It’s not like I even need them to give me the votes, of course,” Trump boasted. “Our polling shows that I’ll win, and I’m not lying, probably eight to twelve million more Electoral College votes this time around. Someone asked me the other day how that’s even possible, and I punched them in the mouth. Donald Jr should know better than to question my poll. He should ask his sister, MY DAUGHTER IVANKA, how good my poll is. My poll is always the best poll, and least that’s what MY DAUGHTER IVANKA tells me.”

Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Taint) told reporters he thinks this plan is “Trump’s best to date.”

“I completely support this. In times of great need, and this is certainly one, we absolutely need to give governors what they need,” Nunes said, “and that means quid pro quos have to be allowed. They were already allowed because he’s a Republican, but right now, it’s particularly vital that we turn a blind eye to all the bullshit our Dear President tries.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.