Trump Says Signing Coronavirus Stimulus Makes Him ‘Pretty Much Really As Heroic As Doctors and Nurses’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When President Trump signed the massive $2 trillion coronavirus relief stimulus package into law, one source close to the president says he was “pretty hardcore miffed” that he didn’t receive more accolades for doing so. Not only did Trump expect to read “headline after headline in the fake enemies of the people news,” he also expected every day, average American citizens to shower him with love and adoration. In fact, according to our source within the White House inner circle, President Trump feels that when he signed his name on the stimulus package it made him “pretty much really as heroic” as the frontline responders to the ongoing health crisis.

“The president was pretty steamed that even days after he signed the bigliest, most expensive stimulus package onto the books, he wasn’t being nominated for awards and prizes,” our source told us on the condition of anonymity and WalMart gift cards. “He told me that he thinks signing it made him pretty much really as heroic as doctors and nurses fighting the disease in hospitals all across America. That kind of heroism deserves praise, in the president’s estimation, and not getting it has really put him in quite a foul mood.”

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Reportedly, Trump told his staff that if he’d have known so few people would be thanking him, he might never have signed the stimulus, or at the very least insisted that “the poors and Democrats” didn’t get any money from it. As it stands now, however, an average family of four will receive roughly $3400 in a one time payment. While many economists have been arguing that a single payment won’t help stave off the worst of the devastation to the economy brought by needing to grind nearly all of it to a halt to slow the spread of COVID-19, Trump apparently still believes the payments should have been enough to make supporters out of every American who receives funds as a result of the stimulus.

“He asked me the other day what the point of giving everyone all the money is, if it doesn’t buy him their loyalty and votes this fall,” our source explained. “He really feels quite wronged at this point. Everyone knows the most vital and important asset this great nation has in its fight against any threat — viral outbreak or terrorist attack — is our dear president’s ego. Frankly, once his ego takes too much a bruising, it’s only a matter of time before the whole country falls apart, probably.”

Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Taint), while appearing on a conservative talk radio show Friday, that he thinks the president has “every right to be angry and hurt” by the lack of plaudits, accolades, and awards signing the stimulus package got him. Nunes told W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly that it’s “morally disgusting” to him that “people weren’t heaping unending praise on President Trump for the literal bare minimum job requirements.” Nunes argued that it’s “particularly newsworthy” when Trump “shows any effort whatsoever.”

“This is a man, our good, clean, light-skinned Republican president, who was born into wealth, and has never had to show any kind of willingness to work or what you or I might call effort, toward anything,” Nunes explained to Chatterly. “So, Chip, frankly, we all should be holding ticker tape parades when he puts in literally the bare minimum effort. That should earn him a Nobel prize, or t the very least a box of cookies. He loves cookies. And you know what? I’m going to break quarantine to bring him some cookies, because at least some of us care about our sweet emperor king president.”

Current estimates are that upwards of 200,000 people could perish as a result of being infected with the novel coronavirus. As early as January, the Trump administration started receiving briefings that warned about how badly a pandemic outbreak of COVID-19 could be to the country. However, it wasn’t until weeks later that the administration started mobilizing a task force and taking the threat more seriously.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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