WASHINGTON, D.C. — It happened with a sort of “cracking” sound, witnesses say. Then, as the crack subsided, a puff of black smoke emitted from the crotch of Senator Mitch McConnell, and in the blink of an eye, his penis was turned back into a lump of coal.
“Decades ago, a young tortoise by the name of Mitch McConnell came to Washington with only his shell on his back and a lump of coal where a cock would normally be,” historian Dr. Shelly Silver told us in a Skype call. “Shortly after arriving in D.C., Mitch met up with a witch who promised to give him a real human’s dick with which he could continuously and incessantly fuck the American working class.”
The deal struck between McConnell and the witch was simple: as long as he remained Senate Majority Leader, his human penis would exist. As soon as he was stripped of his powers in the Senate, however, his dick would immediately be turned back into a lump of Kentucky coal. As it turned out, aides watched McConnell’s dick magically transform into a lump of coal just as news broke that Republican control of the Senate had been stripped as results from Georgia’s special senate runoff elections were announced.
“Just as it became apparent that Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff were going to win, that’s when we all saw Mitch’s dick evaporate and turn into coal,” our source said. “It was one of the gnarliest things I’ve ever seen. I’m frankly a little shook up over it.”
McConnell has thus far given no indication what he intends to do in relation to his genitals. Some have speculated he’ll simply slink off to his Senate office and rub the lump of coal where his dong used to be for the next four years. Other believe he may seek out a voodoo witch doctor to try to reverse the breaking of the spell.
This story will be updated as necessary.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.