George Floyd Looks Down From Heaven on May Jobs Report and Still Wishes Four Cops Hadn’t Murdered Him

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — While his country is still reeling from the COVID-19 outbreak, and as civil unrest is still being witnessed in protest of the extrajudicial murder of a black man by four Minnesota cops, this morning on Earth, an unctuous, fatuous, vapid, vacuous, autocratic nincompoop, who also happens to be the President of the United States, held a press conference in the White House Rose Garden.

The purpose of the presser was to give the husky dictator a chance to stick his diminutive thumbs into his chest and crow about the May jobs report. The Bureau of Labor Statistics announced that the U.S. economy added 2.5 million jobs last month, which dropped the unemployment rate to just over 13%. To say Trump was pleased with the jobs report would be an understatement on the order of saying that Limp Bizkit wrote “less than good” songs.

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It’s not a secret that President Trump’s message that he alone turned the American economy into a powerhouse in the preceding three years of his presidency. Trump has been making the case for years, and it’s largely accepted that his re-election campaign will rely quite heavily on that message. Trump pre-celebrated the jobs report by breaking with long-standing norms and tweeting about it before it was officially released.

In a rambling, likely unscripted celebration of the May jobs reports, one might not expect the president to mention George Floyd, whose murder at the hands of four Minnesota police officers was caught on tape, sparking more than a week of angry protests. In some cities, the protests have turned violent, sparking riots. Opportunistic looters have also been fleeing from retail outlets with millions of dollars of goods. Though no one is quite sure why, Trump in fact did invoke the memory of George Floyd at the jobs report announcement, intimating that Floyd’s eternal soul would be happy for the country adding so many jobs and dropping the unemployment rate.

“Hopefully, George is looking down right and saying this is a great thing that’s happening for our country,” Trump mused. “It’s a great day for him, it’s a great day for everybody.”

Though it’s unclear at this time why exactly the president conflated the jobs report with the tragedy of Floyd’s death, one thing that has become clear is that Trump was mistaken in his assumptions. Mr. Floyd, speaking to heavenly reporters just after Trump’s presser, said that he had “no comment at all” on the May jobs report. However, that didn’t mean he was without some thoughts to share.

“How many million jobs? Two and a half million? Wow,” Floyd began, “That’s a lot of jobs to add in one month. Pretty crazy. That’s definitely a lot of jobs, yup. I mean, literally none of them will un-kill me. Out of all those 2.5 million jobs, a whopping zero of them will bring me back to my loved ones. So, in general, I’d say my take on the May jobs report is that I wish I hadn’t been murdered by four cops.”

Floyd shrugged, bade the heavenly press pool a good afternoon, and walked off to join his heavenly orientation meeting.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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