Devin Nunes Starting to Worry His Mouth is Stuck Like That

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For four years many people in Congressman Devin Nunes’ life tried to warn him. His friends, both of them, tried to sit Devin down late in 2018 and advise him that they could tell things would never go back to how they were. Rep. Nunes, though, for whatever reason, kept downplaying his loved ones’ concerns, and now he’s just received word from his medical team that it’s possible his mouth will never return to its usual shape or tint ever again.

“We tried to tell Devin a long time ago that his mouth looked like it was permanently toadstool shaped,” an anonymous source told us today. “He just didn’t care. He told us that the only thing that tastes better than the former president’s dong was power, and he was getting a lot of power at the time, so he felt like it was a good deal. Turns out, it was more of a Faustian bargain than he could’ve known at the time.”

According to Rep. Nunes’ doctors, there’s a chance that his mouth will never go back to its normal shape, but it’s fairly likely that its original coloring will return.

“From what we’re being told, the doctors think he’s got a long road ahead of him, but that at the end of it, his mouth will probably still be kinda deformed,” our source divulged. “They do think that the coloring will fade about as quickly as a any normal spray tanner would if applied in a more traditional, non-sucking-the-president-off kinda way.”

This is a developing story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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