WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hailing himself as a “true American patriot and hero,” Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) told reporters today that he is going to open up his home, and host any 17-year-old girls who are apprehended by border patrol agents, personally.
“It’s true, what can I say? I’m a true American patriot and hero for this. Your praise will embarrass me, but please, heap it on me nevertheless,” Gaetz announced this morning. “However, please, let me be very clear — they must be 17 years old. No older, no younger. They must be girls.”
When asked why he decided to volunteer for such duty, Gaetz pulled a flask from his jacket breast pocket, opened it, and drank a few sips.
“Well, I love little girls. They make me feel so good,” Gaetz said. “I mean, I really like love girls. They make me feel so bad. When they’re around, they make me feel like I’m the only guy in town. I love little girls.”
Gaetz fished into his other breast pocket and pulled out another, different flask. He opened it, and took a longer swig. Gaetz closed the flask and hurled it behind him, and it rattled empty on the floor a few feet away.
“They don’t care if I’m a one-mirror. They’re not frightened by my cold exterior,” Gaetz continued, explaining why he wants to house minor girls in his Florida home. “They don’t ask me questions. They don’t want to scold me. They don’t look for answers; they just want to hold me.”
Sensing some judgment from the reporters, Gaetz pulled a third flask from his pants pocket and drained it in one gulp. Angrily, he burped, farted, scratched his crotch and then rage vomited. After wiping his mouth with his American flag pocket square, he spoke again, booze and vomit filling the reporters’ nostrils.
“C’mon! Isn’t this what life’s all about? Isn’t this a dream come true? Isn’t this a nightmare too?,” Gaetz asked. “So I like little girls! Big whoop! I’m a hero! I’m trying to save these desperate girls! We let them in and don’t keep a close eye on them, and they could end up voting Democrat, or hearing Critical Race Theory teachings and getting the idea that America was built on racism! IMAGINE THE HORROR OF THAT!”
Gaetz sauntered off, mumbling to himself. His staff told the media he was going to take his afternoon nap and would contact everyone once his afternoon hangover subsides.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.