Last week, it was announced that former, one-term, twice-permanently impeached President Donald Trump, who has yet to win more votes on aggregate than his Democratic opponent, would embark on a speaking tour with former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly. Not very many details about the tour have been released, and reportedly its announcement has left many of Trump’s loyal devotees scratching their heads, as they believe he will be restored to power in August. However, today Mr. Trump’s team released a preliminary itinerary and schedule of dates for his tour with O’Reilly, giving the public its first look at some of the details.
“Forever President Donald John Mushroom Dong Trump is pleased to announce that he and his good friend William O’Reilly will be touring the United States — at least the GOOD states that gave him their Electoral College votes this last time — and he hopes to see you at one of the dates below,” the Trump announcement reads. “Each KFC and each ladies gym locker room were painstakingly reviewed to ensure they will provide the right atmosphere and ambience, which will encourage King God Emperor Trump to let the piss-soaked hay he calls hair down and have a real dialogue with his acolytes and sycophants.”
According to the schedule released, O’Reilly and Trump will crisscross the states that used to belong to the Confederacy, plus a couple of additional red states that were just territories when the Civil War broke out. Each event will be held either inside a KFC restaurant, or inside a women’s gym locker room. Some days the men will appear at both venues, should the city the tour is going through at the time be able to accommodate it.
“In each city, a handful of lucky women will be invited to take the festivities somewhere more private, and perhaps even enjoy a bucket or three of fried chicken, in bed, with the Forever President, just like the First Lady gets to,” the announcement teased. “And you can ask Ivanka, it’s an experience you won’t want to miss.”
The “Grabbin’ America By The Pussy and Doin’ It Live Tour” will kick off in earnest sometime later this year. Tickets can be reserved via Trump’s website, or at any local klan rally.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.