LAKE EPSTEIN, FLORIDA — Embattled Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-Neverland Ranch) announced earlier this year that he was considering leaving Congress before his current term is up. That announcement, however, came just hours before the public found out that he is the subject of an ongoing criminal investigation into payments he transferred to people, allegedly for sexual favors.
Apparently, Mr. Gaetz is still interested in leaving Congress, however he’s having a hard time finding a new gig. First news broke that he tried to see if Newsmax TV, a decidedly pro-Trump media outlet, would hire him, and was rebuffed. Now, word is that isn’t the only rejection Gaetz received from a prospective employer.
According to several sources close to the situation, Gaetz was just turned down for a high school softball coaching gig.
“A few weeks back, Congressman Matt Gaetz approached the Lake Epstein School Board and asked if we had any spots available on our faculty. At the time, there was one open spot on our softball team, for a bench coach,” Superintendent Seymour Chalmers told reporters today. “As per every job application we process, we did a check on Mr. Gaetz record. After careful consideration, we decided that since Matt isn’t a softball player, and has no skills to impart to our Lady Gators, that we’d pass on him.”
Chalmers also said he and his fellow board members also had a look at Gaetz record of “DUIs and, well, other legal challenges,” and decided to pass on those grounds as well.
“I mean, if he wasn’t a shitty softball player, we’d have declined his application based on those other factors,” Chalmers explained. “We have a strict policy not to expose our athletes to potential predators. It’s why Jim Jordan’s request for a position on our wrestling team was also declined.”
A spokesman for Gaetz said he is “disappointed but undaunted” and will find another job “sooner or later.”
“They still give out jobs in prisons right? Surely the congressman will be able to find something to do for an occupation sooner or later,” the spokesman postulated. “Matt is a hardworking, hard drinking patriotic sexual predator. Do we live in America anymore if a guy like that can’t find gainful employment except in Congress?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.