Gaetz’ Girlfriend Skipped Driver’s Ed Class to Testify Before Grand Jury

This week, a former girlfriend of Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) testified before a grand jury. Several legal experts have noted that this could spell boatloads of trouble for the embattled elected official, who is under investigation for sex trafficking charges.

While it’s being posited that his ex-girlfriend’s testimony might help collar Gaetz, some are wondering if he might be saved by testimony from another witness — his current girlfriend. According to several sources close to the situation have indicated that today Congressman Gaetz’ current romantic partner testified under oath. Apparently, in order to do so, she had to skip a driver’s education class, and is worried she might not be ready to get her license on her Sweet 16, as both she and her boyfriend had hoped.

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“Matt’s girlfriend showed up at the courthouse with her folks shortly after lunchtime. This would have also been the time of day she’d be getting her behind-the-wheel driving instruction,” one source very close to the situation told us in a Skype call. “As preparations have already begun for her Sweet 16, and Matt and her father have already split the down payment on her birthday present, everyone is obviously a little nervous that this will keep her from passing her driving exam in a couple of weeks.”

Rep. Gaetz has a contingency plan in place, in case his girlfriend is unable to pass her driving test.

“Apparently he’ll just dump her and find another girlfriend next homecoming season. I guess he’s really worried about not being able to legally drive, if say, he’s released from prison after a lengthy sentence and his own license expires in that time,” our source told us.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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