Fauci to Paul: “In My Non Self-Certified Medical Opinion, You’re a Bitch-Ass Lying Traitor”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After two years of the global COVID-19 pandemic and the federal government’s response to it, one thing is certain — there is absolutely no love lost between Dr. Anthony Fauci, a real medical doctor, and Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY), a self-certified, pretend eye doctor.

This morning, there was yet another testy exchange between the two men. Sen. Paul, citing reports from right-wing propaganda outlet Project Veritas, accused Fauci of attempting to silence scientists who disagree with him. Dr. Fauci repeatedly stated that the senator was intentionally misconstruing the content of the emails. Fauci also reported that in December or 2021, a man was arrested traveling from Sacramento to Washington, D.C. with an assault rifle and he told police he planned to go kill Fauci, which he implied could have been inspired by Paul’s repeated attacks and fundraising based on bashing the medical expert.

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The exchange between Paul and Fauci eventually calmed down and ended within the confines of the hearing. However, after adjournment, Fauci was asked by reporters to answer to some questions. As he stood there speaking to the media, Sen. Paul happened to pass by, and gave Fauci the finger.

Fauci responded quickly.

“Senator, I know you have a hard-on for me, but in the interest of protecting my family from dangerous lunatics, and you at least operate from a realm of reality and stop smearing me,” Fauci asked heatedly.

Paul laughed.

“No, Dr. Nazi — excuse me — Fauci. I cannot. And will not. In my medical opinion, you are trampling science and hurting people,” Paul said.

Now it was time for Fauci to laugh.

“Well, Senator, unlike you, my medical opinion is certified by an independent board. So in my non self-certified medical opinion, you’re a bitch-ass, lying traitor. And I invite you to do with that information what you will,” Fauci shot back.

A tearful Paul tucked his forked tongue back into his mouth and ran away crying tears like the self-certified, lying, bitch-ass traitor he is and always will be. Because fuck Rand Paul. Not just fuck Rand Pau, though. Motherfuck Rand Paul.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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