It doesn’t matter how loudly he was talking, despite being mic’d up and the one controlling who speaks when. It doesn’t matter how quickly he was talking. It doesn’t matter how farcical and nonsensical his tirading, ranting, and raving was. No matter how much the evidence seems to point to it, it cannot be stated enough.
Matt Gates wasn’t coked-up during the House Judiciary’s Impeachment hearing, okay?
Okay? Okay? Okay? Okay?
Sure, he berated a distinguished constitutional scholar for making a joke about Donald Trump’s tendency to behave like royalty because it mentioned Trump’s teenage son Barron while demanding that he get to interrogate the son of Joe Biden. Yes, that’s the kind of kooky, self-evident buffoonery that coke fiends put on display.
But, to repeat, Matt Gaetz wasn’t coked-up during the impeachment hearing, even though he totally acted like he was, alright?
You got, guys? Huh? Huh? Huh? You got it? Huh?
Look, to be fair, attacking a woman for making political donations as if she doesn’t have the right to do so as an American citizen, as a sitting member of Congress, seems like the kind of inane clownishness of someone who is high as a kite on China White. Contradictory, irrational, rushed, and detached shouting is certainly not anything out of the ordinary for someone who has just snorted enough booger sugar to make Stevie Nicks go, “Woah, slow down dude.” There’s no denying that.
However, again, Matt Gaetz was definitely not coked out of his noggin today during the impeachment hearing, understand?
Do you understand? Hey…hey…hey…do you understand?
And, yes, if we’re being honest, Gaetz spoke so quickly, and with so little regard for the actual words coming out of the mouths of the people he as berating that he looked like he was in the middle of a coke bender that Hunter Thompson would have called dangerous and destructive. He was not, however coked up. Why do we keep having to repeat ourselves here? Stop thinking he was on coke! WHY DO YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE HE WAS ON COKE JUST BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE HE WAS ON COKE!
Just…calm down, everyone, okay?
JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT MAN! MATT GAETZ WAS 100% NOT ON COKE!
HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT?
I mean…yeah, we have as much evidence that Matt was coked-up as he has that Hunter Biden deserves to be investigated, but that doesn’t mean he’s just coked-up and spewing bullshit. Doesn’t he have the right to spew bullshit? Does he absolutely have to have been on coke for him to feel free to act like such a public, flailing, sycophantic suck-up? Of course not! There are many reasons that Gaetz would act so obnoxious, obtuse, and oblivious. It just so happens that a lot of people who are extremely coked-up at the time happen to act obnoxiously, obtusely, and obviously!
The bottom line is that Matt Gaetz wasn’t on coke, America. He just wasn’t. I don’t know where you get that idea from, other than how he acted. But it cannot be stated enough. MATT GAETZ WAS NOT ON BOAT LOADS OF COKE DURING THE HEARING! YOU SHOULD STOP TWEETING PHOTOSHOPS OF HIM WITH A COKE TRAIL COMING OUT OF HIS NOSE AND ASKING HIM IF HE WAS ON COKE, GUYS!
Matt Gaetz was not coked-up during the impeachment hearing.
He was just acting fucking stupidly.
So stop saying he was coked-up, America.
Seriously. stop saying it.
HEY THIS IS MY TIME! I SAID TO STOP SAYING MATT GAETZ WAS ON COKE DURING THE IMPEACHMENT HEARING!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.